Thursday, March 27, 2014

Lies

In the recent year of intense self-reflection (maybe borderline navel-gazing) I have come to the realization that I am a liar. In my lack of boundaries, need to take care of others, fear of abandonment, avoidance of shame and guilt, I lie. I have lied to others and I lie to myself. I lie often. 

There is one lie in particular that I have long promised myself to write about. I lied to someone that mattered to me out of fear of rejection and shame. I lied about something that really was of no fault of my own but casted me in an unfavorable light. This was a light I was afraid to stand in, for him to see and for me to see myself. Almost a year later, he traveled to visit me (out of now where mind you!). We were speaking in abstract though I knew what he was referring to when he said, "what if the guy likes the girl so much, it doesn't even matter?" I reiterated my lie, a year later, even in abstract. This was less lying to him and much more lying to myself. Not that he didn't know I was lying. He knew. That's the worst part. Some one offered acceptance and I couldn't take it.

As I have gotten older, I regret that lie more and more. Everyday actually. It's of no consequence now. I have vowed if I ever saw him again, I would confess. Get it off my chest and be free. I've seen that over the years it has been my pattern of telling a lie, keeping up a lie and actually believing a lie that has brought me to where I am now. It sounds so awful and dirty as I describe it here but in actuality these lies include:
  • doing things to make someone feel better, or being guilted into actions
  • honoring a commitment I no longer wanted to keep,
  • sparing shame to my parents and myself
  • believing someone to be better than who they've shown me to be a.k.a. giving the benefit of the doubt when it is no longer gift giving but robbery
  • denial
  • hiding my feelings or refusing to own them
  • running from problems
  • giving more than I can comfortably give


In the last few months I have been working intently on standing in my truth. It's part of my establishing boundaries, facing/ overcoming shame stuff. I just don't want to lie anymore. I've been lying for 5 or 6 years, most of the lies have been to myself. It has been exhausting and I've felt like I've been in bondage. So I'm doing that, at the least being honest with myself. I didn't include keeping secrets in the list. My truth is not a secret, but it's not exactly anyone's business either. 
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