Saturday, December 21, 2013

The Fact is...(I Need You)

It's been a long time.
It's been a very long time since I have been in the space to honestly write here. It has been an amazingly beautiful, challengingly painful year and a half. In so many ways my life is different now. I didn't think it had a place---that I had a place---in this blog anymore. I am a mom, I'm no longer in graduate school pursing my Ph.D (which I've found was one of many ways I defined myself). My love for Jay-Z has waned. I now live in the city that I've been madly in love with, though from afar, all of my adult life. Washington, D.C. Thankfully, the city is everything I'd hoped it would be.

When I first started writing here I was in so much pain. I can barely relate to that space I was in New Orleans months pre-Katrina. When I picture it and I feel terribly sorry for that girl and for what I put her through. During this entire year I have grown into a place of responsibility.  Firstly, being a mom will do that to you and it really did that to me. The Fact is... I never had any real personal boundaries. A great deal of the issues I faced and hurt I experienced was not simply because of the loss and initial lack of respect from others, but primarily because I didn't respect myself.

Now, if you knew me---or at least believed you knew me---you would find that hard to believe. I come off incredibly confident, at least at first. But the truth is, I wasn't. If you ever got really, really close to me you could see it was true. I was confident about a few things i.e. I am not ugly, I am not dumb. But how 'not ugly' or 'not dumb' or not bad or desirable...I was terribly unsure about. Sure, everyone has a little uncertainty about those things but I Chinonye, was always looking for someone to answer that question for me.

If I didn't get a job I would wonder what was wrong with me. If a guy decided he wouldn't call me back I would think he's a jerk sure, but that he was a jerk to me. I could never, ever, externalize anything.  So much so, that I unknowingly took other's issues and insecurities, as my own including that of family and friends. One of the most freeing things I have found about taking responsibility for myself is realizing what is NOT my responsibility. And the truth is, I feel free in a way I have never felt possible.

Some things have remained. I still love the color green. I'm still loyal. I actually still like to write, no matter the long periods of silence here at Purple Rain in a Drought. Jill Scott's "The Fact is (I Need You) is still one of my favorite songs. It still soothes me as it did in Louisiana in 2004. It reminds me of what I long for. It reminds me of who I am. But most importantly, it reminds me that I have come a long way.
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