Sunday, June 24, 2012

Step 3: Be Honest

I haven't written because I've been afraid to say what was on my mind.
And I think my writing sucks.
But that is because I have to censor everything in my head.
That's a tough thing when you have a blog.
The internet has become so much bigger and greater than it was 7 years ago when I began this. Stuff you say or do will be here forever and surprisingly...people actually read my blog!

I have been doing a great deal of reflecting the past 6 weeks and I have been having to ask myself  1) How many times have I really been honest with myself about the big decisions and issues in my life and 2) Can I commit to being honest with myself from here on?

I have honestly had the most difficult year of my life. Things have not gone the way I have planned or expected, no matter how elaborate or well constructed those plans were.I realize that I am a lot of what I said, fought against and promised myself I wouldn't be. I do not feel in control of my own destiny. I don't always feel like God is with me. I have never felt more defeated in my life. As I type that last statement I realize that it's not quite true. I have felt more defeated before. No that doesn't exactly make me feel better. It's more a factual observation that, yes, I have felt much more suckier than I am feeling right now. I look at myself without any recognition and a lot of disappointment. Yet, this is a time in which I should feel amazing. My husband is settled and has great job. I have a baby boy in my stomach who kicks me in the side and occasionally has hiccups that I can feel. But the devil moves. He sees impending joy and plots to rob you of it. It's working sadly, and I haven't the strength to fight him. At least not the past few days...weeks. No, it is not my hormones. 

I'm being honest.
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