Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Overwhelmed.

My birthday is comes up this month. It's close enough that I can't keep ignoring it. As a child I used to interpret my birthday as the first indication that the summer was winding down. Back to school ads would follow the music videos I spent the entire summer watching and I would become queasy. I kinda have that feeling right now.
I'm at that age when each birthday brings super harsh self-criticism about where my life and career is and more particularly isn't. I'm at the age where I 'm begging for the years to slow down so that I may catch up from all that time I wasted on dumb shit.
          Today, I am very overwhelmed with that feeling of catching up, of getting things right, of holding it all together. I am overwhelmed with resentment for wasting my time, energy, and good years not really working out because it's only harder to lose weight now. I am overwhelmed with my job, with my degree program--that I am still doing for goodness sakes--- and the hard work it takes to be a married woman and maintain the loving friendships that have grounded me over the last 15 years. I am mainly overwhelmed with the task of becoming more patient, as I realize that things happen on their own time or God's time--- pretty much anyone else's time but mine. I struggle with the feeling that I can perform well 97% of the time, in every aspect of my life but it is in that 3% when I don't that it actually counts. Feelings like that make it very hard for you to relax.
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