Monday, March 28, 2011

But Ma, I left my wig at home.

I haven't relaxed my hair since March or April of last year. Sew-ins ripped my hair out and straightening it killed my hair, never to kink again. I have been wearing wigs since November and it surely cuts my prep time in the morning in half. But from time to time I'd really like to wear my own hair again. So last month out of frustration and after a pretty fierce argument with my husband I cut it off. Grrr!

(The is picture is the best it has ever looked.)

I'm still under a wig. Why, you ask. I am still uncomfortable with my hair and I am faced with the very thing I am running from. My hair is very fine and thin. I peruse the natural hair blogs for encouragement and I see amazing curl patterns and styles. Loose or tightly coiled, twist outs braid-outs. Yeah, I've tried them. It doesn't look good if you have only 17 strands of hair in one braid. Nope. Doesn't look good. I can't use those lovely hair butters everyone talks of. Weighs down my hair.

I haven't come to terms with my hair texture. I have this idea of what "natural" is supposed to look like and it doesn't look that way.  My ends remain wispy, no matter my recent trims. I wonder if my wig cap/stocking cap pulls it straight. It looks like I have a texturizer/ jheri curl sometimes. Not the pretty kind either, it is the picture of what I used to laugh at. Second, I fight with my inner 12 year-old that says "No one is going to think that is your hair, everyone's going to think you have a texturizer! Everyone's going to laugh at you." You know my parents both being Nigerian and Lil' Wayne declaring that we all have hair that breaks combs. I wish. My hair falls out everyday. Stress, hormones, age. I don't know, clearly I am not that old. But I don't comb my hair but a few times a month, and my 45 strands of fine sandy browns put up no resistance. Hell, they join the force. So all in all, being natural makes me insecure and even at this age, I don't want to get laughed at. Not to mention...I have grey hair.
                                                                                                                (This photo is it wet with stuff in it)
So today after my jog to work as I prepared for the day in the workplace shower room, I realized that I left my wig at home. Panic! Because as I have begun to wear my natural hair out, you know, Wal-mart maybe, the beach---I have not risen to the level of wearing it to work! So if you can imagine, I am trapped in the bathroom with a wig cap and and an orange and green Gap ball-cap on in utter distress. I was not mentally prepared. What will they think? If I go out there I can't go back to my wig! Nothing is worse that the constant hairstyle change of Black women in the work place. I mean, how will they recognize me!?!

Luckily my co-worker answered to phone took me home to pick-up my wig. Whew! But now I wish I'd just done it. I have so many excuses for why I just don't wear my natural as I do with many parts of my life. I have given myself a deadline, May 1st. I don't want to feel that way again, trapped in the work bathroom, I don't want to be that way in my relationships either.

I am 10 pounds and color rinse away from a new me.
But Ma, I left my wig at home.SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

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