Sunday, July 16, 2006

The Thinnest Line




I rolled over after my usual dream of you and muttered the words "I hate you". Dragging my feet across the carpet towards my bathroom door I looked in the mirror to say once again "Damn, I hate you". The scent from my $5 bar of soap (coincidentally purchased the last time we were together) forced me into the realization that at that moment those weren't just words.

During my morning shower I began to recall the random and miscellaneous. Lipton Rice, T-shirts reading 'Virginia is for Lover's', Urban Denim and all-white sneakers, Serially Monogamous men, Ignored phone calls, Ebony Magazine's Successful 30 under 30, Virginia tags...all things I too hate. All of which I associate with you. I remembered how much I dreamed of you next to me, on my left side or my right. Involuntarily, I was a serf to my mind and subconscious being taxed 20 minutes of every hour towards the maintenance of my obsession with you. Enabling the incessant thoughts of how much smarter, prettier, funnier, thinner, more relaxed and better in bed I would be ...the next time. Everything in my post-adolescent life I had done in anticipation of seeing you again. Wrapping my towel I remembered how I wanted to be you. Just like you, amazing. Obsession? I have always called it love. And well, it takes a great deal of love to hate someone.

Dropping my blue tube of my body cream on the bathroom floor I began to hate you more. For every time the phone rang and I wished it was you. For every time I thought it was you in an airport. For every one I was involved with just to get over you. For every petite woman I compared myself to. For the years I felt I wasn't good enough. As I angrily applied my shea butter I hated you. I hated you for every 3 hour conversation, every poem, your laugh, for that scary plane ride home... and her. I hated you more for the night I cried so hard that I laid my head on the floor and vomited. For the minutes there after that I wanted to die. For wounding my womanhood. I hated you so much because despite all that I gave you couldn't find it in your heart to love me back.

And you tried. I hate you for making it seem so fu@king hard.

With tears in my eyes I wiped my steamed mirror and caught a glimpse of a severely insecure woman with festering anger and wet hair. Throwing down my towel I cried out "I hate you" ! Sobbing, I saw for the first time in years that I loved myself more than I loved you. I let my desire ferment and destroy me. But that was a while ago... As I sit next to you now I glance between the image of a man I longed for and the scenery outside your car window with indifference. I can now admit that I didn't know how to love but perhaps how to want. I think now I can truly love you, as your friend.
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4 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:48 PM

    You are awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  2. renee9:10 PM

    Your birthday is coming up! Yay!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. u threw down towels? why wasn't i invited to the show?

    ReplyDelete
  4. kissdahskye10:22 PM

    wow...i can relate. I love your writing!!! : ) Your words reflect the same exact feelings that I used to have for someone. For a second, I started having flashbacks...

    ReplyDelete

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