Friday, July 28, 2006

Coronas and a Moonless Sky

Driving under a moonless sky on a humid night makes me wish I had someone to come home to. Someone waiting, hogging the remote, playing X-box, leaving his smelly socks on the floor and the toilet seat up. Someone that rolls over in the middle of the night and steals the covers. Just someone reliable and consistent to fill the "guest" side of my queen sized bed.
I fought the urge to make any late night phone calls that could be percieved as more than a friendly gesture. Upon loosing that fight I prayed my call wouldn't be answered. And it wasn't. I sighed, mentally scolding myself for having less control of myself than my Volvo with a bad alignment. I didn't see the stars out tonight or even the moon and found it quite strange that today I really wanted to discuss that with someone over a couple of Coronas and nacho chips.

"Dang, baby. I can't see the moon, can you?" Unfortunately, I couldn't make out an imaginary voice to respond.

And it's just as well. There will be no more random phone calls or imaginary boyfriends or meantime play dates. I have put myself in time out, on the relationship naughty stool. Recognizing the void and just letting it be. It's actually nice driving alone without extra junk in the passenger seat. And there has been a whole lot of junk...

And in time I'll remember this night and its humid air that my asthmatic lungs work to breathe. Hand in hand with my companion I will let out a deep sigh, much like the these, squeeze his hand and ask "Where the hell were you?" And in a voice that I can't make out tonight he'll reply "Probably drinking beer with the boys, searching for the moon like you". Yep, that sounds exactly like what he would say.
Coronas and a Moonless SkySocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Come My Little Sea Scallop

Tasty as bay scallops eaten on my birthday last Thursday, I bite into what I consider my last meal at my condo here in the lower southeastern U.S.A What I am eating now matters very little for I have absolutely no clue what I am going to do afterwards. “Perhaps I should take out the trash,” Or hell, maybe I’ll blog”. “About what?” I ask myself, completely exhausted with the “I don’t know where the hell I’m going” posts. I’m quite sure my readers have gotten the point. I didn’t want to write about my love life…at least not today. There isn’t really much to say. I toyed playfully with the subject of my summer weight gain. My holiday gut is actually cool as long as I hide my beach photos. I guess that’s price I am to pay for my addiction to those Applebee’s riblets, considering I am not usually paying for my meal.

I could talk about how the top of my refrigerator is covered with empty liquor bottles similar to that of most 20-something frat boys at my Alma Mater, and how I am too lazy to put them in the recycling bin. I would tell you that I have slept 8 hours a day consistently for the past 3 weeks particularly because I consume some form of alcohol every night and that I have surprisingly began drinking beer from a can. I want to write about how my floor needs mopping and my car needs washing and how long it is taking to pack up my room (and find a job!). But I just as quickly abandon the idea because writing about it doesn’t make it happen any faster.

But I’ll say how much I and my hair have grown. How I may cross some and just how fine I am with that. I will say how I have $0.45 in my checking account however am rich in my soul for just as many as I irritate, those same fools love me to death. I am going to write about how I have gotten over my fear of failure by failing miserably and still having the breath in my lungs to tell the tale. I am going to tell my readers that I wake up at the crack of dawn only to close my curtains, turn on the AC and catch two more hours of sleep. I will tell you about the raspberry martinis and almond covered bay scallops I had for my birthday dinner. I am going to tell you how extremely lucky I am. I am telling you now that I woke up one morning to the voice of Billie Holiday singing "God bless the Child That's Got His Own", looked around... and had become an adult.
Come My Little Sea ScallopSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Sunday, July 16, 2006

The Thinnest Line

I rolled over after my usual dream of you and muttered the words "I hate you". Dragging my feet across the carpet towards my bathroom door I looked in the mirror to say once again "Damn, I hate you". The scent from my $5 bar of soap (coincidentally purchased the last time we were together) forced me into the realization that at that moment those weren't just words.

During my morning shower I began to recall the random and miscellaneous. Lipton Rice, T-shirts reading 'Virginia is for Lover's', Urban Denim and all-white sneakers, Serially Monogamous men, Ignored phone calls, Ebony Magazine's Successful 30 under 30, Virginia tags...all things I too hate. All of which I associate with you. I remembered how much I dreamed of you next to me, on my left side or my right. Involuntarily, I was a serf to my mind and subconscious being taxed 20 minutes of every hour towards the maintenance of my obsession with you. Enabling the incessant thoughts of how much smarter, prettier, funnier, thinner, more relaxed and better in bed I would be ...the next time. Everything in my post-adolescent life I had done in anticipation of seeing you again. Wrapping my towel I remembered how I wanted to be you. Just like you, amazing. Obsession? I have always called it love. And well, it takes a great deal of love to hate someone.

Dropping my blue tube of my body cream on the bathroom floor I began to hate you more. For every time the phone rang and I wished it was you. For every time I thought it was you in an airport. For every one I was involved with just to get over you. For every petite woman I compared myself to. For the years I felt I wasn't good enough. As I angrily applied my shea butter I hated you. I hated you for every 3 hour conversation, every poem, your laugh, for that scary plane ride home... and her. I hated you more for the night I cried so hard that I laid my head on the floor and vomited. For the minutes there after that I wanted to die. For wounding my womanhood. I hated you so much because despite all that I gave you couldn't find it in your heart to love me back.

And you tried. I hate you for making it seem so fu@king hard.

With tears in my eyes I wiped my steamed mirror and caught a glimpse of a severely insecure woman with festering anger and wet hair. Throwing down my towel I cried out "I hate you" ! Sobbing, I saw for the first time in years that I loved myself more than I loved you. I let my desire ferment and destroy me. But that was a while ago... As I sit next to you now I glance between the image of a man I longed for and the scenery outside your car window with indifference. I can now admit that I didn't know how to love but perhaps how to want. I think now I can truly love you, as your friend.
The Thinnest LineSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Because Blogging Twice a Month is Stupid

I am always writing about the "changes" that I have been going through for the um, past year and a half. However, in the past couple of months I have become a bit more stuctured about my the aspects of my life I would like to change. I felt like sharing, because I think blogging more often is on my list as well.

I would like to
1)Improve on Punctuality,Organization and Time Management...drastically.
2)Check my Email and Voicemail regularly....because I don't
3) can't budget $2.50 a month though
4)Prioritize...everything is a priority for me which also translates to nothing priortiy for me
6)Chill the f$ck out!...I am getting better.
7)Stop being a half ass...It's true.
8)Relax and
9) Drink more water
10)Stop taking things personally
Because Blogging Twice a Month is StupidSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Happiness is...

Happiness is

1) Eagerly getting out of bed at 7:30am when I could have slept in until 11am.
2) Taking a long hot shower with my most desired body scrub.
3) Buying a new pair of shoes.
4) Being able to take my car on road trips
5) Knowing a friend trusts me with their secrets and values my advice
6) Getting up after a nasty fall when I thought I couldn't
7) Rolling over on clean crisp sheets
8) Finding enough money in loose change to buy a strawberry cream slush from sonics
9) Being able to go to the beach just for the day with my friends.
10)Finding a good moisturizing body cream
11)Having amazing sex with someone I care about and they use the word "incredible" to describe it
12) Holding and hugging my friends child
13) Hearing how many people read my blog
14) Closing doors on a painful past
15) That warm feeling after reading the last line of a really good book.
16) A good game of flip-cup

I acknowledge that happiness is a choice a process and something that is found step by step through everyday things. Funny how happy I have been lately.
Happiness is...SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend


Why By Golly I think I have done it! This background doesn't suck does it? Sigh... back to blogging.
Yes!SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend