Friday, May 05, 2006

Silver Lining at the End of The Rainbow

Dark clouds cover the sky outside my office window as I think of 423 thousand other places I would rather be than here. Now as I hear the patter of rain drops I find it in myself to be thankful that I am at my desk and not outside in the rain. I struggle with contentment. No matter what is positive I will find a way to obsess over what is negative in my life. I long for the green grass on the other side of the fence. I only miss my water after the well runs dry. So I have become the woman with an unquenchable thirst for well water and incessant grass stains on her capris. I am ripe for a good comercial for Tide with Bleach.

Instead of posting some sad piece from the mind of Negative Nancy, I have been coming up with some cool witty piece of prose to instead...for weeks now. Yeah, I dug deep but it wasn't there. In the recent weeks I have had to come to terms with the conclusion that I am a sucky person. Now, now, there are times when people are just hard on themselves and there are times when well, you suck. I think it's about that time.
Sometimes we believe that things always "happen to me" and they do. But it is the way you handle these "things", the fact that your spouse is a spendaholic, brother is stealing from you, girlfriend is cheating, lost your job... that makes you a strong, reliable, human being. Events in the past two weeks have shed light on the fact that I don't handle life well. Nope. My strategy of choice is to go slap crazy or some variation of it. Not that I've gone slap crazy this week , it's not necessary I am already aware of my capabilities. I've watched friends and neighbors face hardships and seriously face it, with class, with grace. Where can I get some of that grace? That encouragement at times of adversity? At the freaking end of the rainbow with the pot of gold and fountain of youth? Where is that anyway, Kansas? Encouragement. That's a fun word to say.

I once used laughter as my silver lining on dark clouds. When did things stop being so damn funny? We have all gone through it, perhaps even because of our own mistakes. Why not laugh about it? I am sure that this is part of the process of forgiving yourself. So for as many times as the question has been asked "how did you get over him/her?" Drew up my favorite strategy, just for laughs.

* Cry. Cry in front of him, his mother and his friends. Then call him and leave sobbing voice mails that he can't make out. Then follow that with a pleading voice mail for his friend, in case he didn't get it.

* Show up at her job unannounced. Bring flowers, candy, a threatening weapon, all your friends. What's the harm in props?

* Pull out all things of large monetary value that was given to you by your mate. Designer bags, jewelry, watches etc. and get rid of it. Sure you might regret it later but this strategy assumes that the future is not acknowledged.

* Stare at the ceiling for um, weeks. Sure, you might have a life to tend to but remember the previous assumption. Ruining you life is only an unfortunate coincidence.

* Stalk the new mate. Google, Myspace, Friendster and Facebook have now made this extremely easy. No black mask, no mess. Just click and stalk away.

* Write a song, poem and/or love letter detailing how you will change, begging forgiveness. Ensure that it is 7 pages double spaced and soaked in tears. Actual wrong doing is not required.

* Call your estranged lover repeatedly, in 2 minute intervals. CLEARLY they are ignoring your calls. Now if this lover attempts to be clever by turning the phone off, just call at 6:30am as they are preparing for work. Just keep calling, they will answer ultimately. I promise.

* Make up names for the estranged lover and new mate. Actual used names: Chester child-molester, Dirty Peter the Cheater, Waterboy, Jenny from the Block, Not Beyonce, Roach. (I'm laughing)

* Cry. But this time at his job, on the phone with his new mate, while trying to seduce him. Lay it on thick. Offering him the punnany that he is actually trying to give up is indeed enticing.

* Tell them you love them. Then tell them how you hate them and never really wanted them. Actually being in love with your estranged lover is not necessary for this said declaration. Wouldn't want to be honest.

* Accept that you just made an ass of yourself.

* Replace them with someone that makes you say "Well I'll be damned." Using someone that just makes you say "damn" is like replacing butter with margarine. Anything else is a whole different recipe.

* Laugh about it. This as well as other disappointments in your life is all a part of life's journey.
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  1. You got class sweets...don't sweat THAT one.

  2. Blue Ribbon Rider10:35 PM

    Replace them with someone that makes you say "Well I'll be damned".

    You really like this new fella, huh?

  3. Not Beyonce... I swear I really want to see this girl.

  4. Anonymous1:26 PM

    I really hope you don't still write 7 page letters. *Wink*


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