Sunday, February 19, 2006

Control...

In case you were wondering...yeah, that's me.



When I lived in
New Orleans I hung out in coffee shops. I became a bit eccentric living in the Big Easy but it opened my heart and my mind during the hardest times of my life. Through depression I often closed my eyes to the world trying to sleep my life away. Coffee kept me awake. The intelligent conversations and free internet of the coffee shops assured me of my sanity. I concluded over a cup of coffee what I couldn't after a year of therapy. My depression is me feeling like I don't have control over my life. Simple.

When I was a college freshman I had a boyfriend who was quiet and comfortable being alone. I am sooooo not that! But he was my friend, my confidante and in many ways my emotional crutch. I held him close, too close. But there were times when he was tired of me, unhappy, found me untrustworthy...I never knew. He never told me. He simply backed away and to fill the void between us I began to see (um, sleep) with someone else. I remembered the anger and frustration I felt and the sadness of when he left vividly this week. I built a wall so tall even I couldn't see over it and since have been hesitant to really let someone close enough to see my weaknesses.

In the years since I have become very aggressive and ambitious. I cracked the whip on everyone, particularly myself to be thinner, smarter, more independent. But admittedly I was still insecure. Then ultimately every plan I made either failed or gave me my just deserts and I was forced to learn a valuable lesson. The best way to be in control of yourself is to understand that you can't control everything. Hahaha easier said than done, I know. I don't desire to have of control others just myself my happiness and my menstrual cycles. (If you take a whole bunch birth control pills at once it can stop your flow for a day or two, just passing on the news). I since have vowed to never let life get the best of me and should I ever find someone like my ex ... not to hold too tight but not to push him away.

Ever since the New Year I have slowly felt my mind slipping. Okay, it was more abrupt than that. I have smack lost my marbles in the last month! Straight lost them. I heard the last of them hit the ground last week. Being unable to pay my bills for a while, my accident has left me without a car and behind in the increasing work load of this Ph.D program (that sometimes I question if I am able to do) pushing me about over the edge. Let's not forget my family and Boys (now that I am older I guess by definition they are men. What does it take to be a man these days? Just Pubic hairs?) I just haven't been handling things well. I started to reeeally hate the pretty girl I saw in the mirror. And then I remembered, I can't control everything or anyone.

So here I am in a coffee shop much like the one on Magazine Street I used to visit in New Orleans, reassuring myself of my sanity. Over a mocha latte I reminded myself that I shouldn't hold on too tight, not to him nor on to me. As I take a deep breath and smell the aroma my rather tasty cup of coffee I can hear him jokingly say "Chill out..." And for the first time in months I do.

I could say that I will go with the flow, but I don't really trust any flow other than the one that comes every 28 days... but sometimes, when you reaaaaallly need it to be on time... but that's life, man! which is why I won't throw away my whip or the complementary packs of birth control pills from the doctor. You just never know and I like to be in control of the situation.

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14 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:50 AM

    S.C. you are silly with that picture. Yes, ambitious people have issues. Think Joan on Girlfriends. I'm not pointing fingers I'm a card-carrying member.

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  2. I saw something a lot deeper here. So, peace, baby girl. We have all seen that face in our mirrors. Hang tight & you'll be fine.

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  3. Renee9:23 AM

    You know this would have been a touching piece if you didn't talk about your period. You are a damn fool. Love ya

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  4. I have come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing in my life that I can control. Now I'm just white knuckling my way through, whee!! Depression is a drag. But hopefully we can learn something. Anything! Good blog.

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  5. I lay out my plans and work towards achieving them, but I've always had in the back of my mind that man proposes but God disposes, so if things don't work out, I'm on the lookout for something even better, even when it doesn't seem like it really it is better at that point in time.

    But yeah, you're like my sis, you both need to Chill! lol

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  6. girl....control. its the key.

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  7. Seems I'm not the only one in the world who doesn't have it all together. There's definitely comfort in numbers.

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  8. i had no idea you were a dominatrix!

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  9. Brokkenhearted10:04 PM

    OH How I truly wish that sanity could be found at the bottom of a cup of coffee... I would buy stock in Starbucks.

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  10. nothing wrong with being ambitious hon

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  11. You are still the coolest chick alive!!!!!!!! I have missed your blogs so much!!!!!!!! I miss you, girl. I hope you are having a fantastic year! Crack that whip!

    Rican

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  12. We all have something that brings us back to ourselves. If it takes a mocha - have two! I wish you the best on your recovery.

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  13. Hang tight and all of that motivational stuff. What you really need is to go do some stuff in nature for a period of time. Nature has a naturally healing affect.

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Whatcha think?