Tuesday, January 31, 2006

For What Reason

One of the best books I have ever read is entitled "What Should I Do With My Life?" by Po Bronson. It was so good that I am reading it again. It was on Oprah's Book Club for goodness sakes so um, it must be good? I struggled for 3 weeks with the idea of traveling to Atlanta to attend his talk and book signing. It's 4 hours away, folks. Granted, there is of course the possibilty of getting the good stroke down as an incentive for such a long trip in the middle of the week. But most importantly it was my scheduled time to end the cruise on the love boat. So after 10 days of eating spinach salads, aggressively performing kegel excersises, careful datebook planning oh, and let's not forget running my selected outfits by my bestfriend for approval...I set off for Atlanta. Only, I never really left town because I got in a car crash. Yeah...
and had to be taken to the hospital with my head taped down to the stretcher. So I guess I wasn't meant to go huh?

Between my infrequent moments of awareness I was able to watch Oprah basically kill James Frey Mortal Kombat style. Only I'm guessing the Vicodin provided rose colored lenses because as I now catch clips of her on say NBC, The Colbert Report etc. my jaw actually grazes the top of my Pumas in sheer "what the F#$*!" Man, he said he was sorry! I can still see that "Please God Kill me Now" look on his face and my stomach turns. But they say everything happens for a reason. Perhaps it is to preserve the nobility of the literary world or have a modern-day public stoning of one's character and career. Just put it in the fiction section for goodness sakes. I read "Confessions of a Video Vixen" it was a New York Times Non- fiction bestseller. Trust me, I and the rest of America really don't give a shit about a few details that happen to change the essence of the book. As long as it's worth my $24.50.

With that said, does everything happen for a reason, really? If so, what are the reasons? If we are not meant to know the reasons at least the majority of the time, then what the hell is the point of knowing things happen for a reason? I don't believe all things happen for a reason. But I do think we'd like to think so. It is the Calamine Lotion Notion for the brokenheart. We want to think that our hard work will pay off, whoever does wrong by us will get their just deserts and that long hard relationship was not a waste of time. Sure we learn but we aren't quite sure of the lesson, thus providing whatever logic our minds and hearts can handle. For example, that Can't Have Him and I are really supposed to be together. That's why he can't stay with one girl, not that he is a serial monogomist and that I am waiting. Or that this whole debacle will make Mr. Frey stronger, if not richer in the end...if he doesn't kill himself first. Lastly that perhaps my car crash is giving me more time to do my Kegel excersises. Yeah, that's the reason. You can never be too tight.
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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Fantastic Voyage

It was the summer and I was leaving New Orleans and moving back to my hometown as a grown ass woman. I was on a soul searching journey, characterized by all stand-by flights, lost ATM cards followed by a lost ID and one confirmed flight home. You don't know how hard it is to catch a stand-by flight to LA in the middle of the summer! But it was all worth it. So en route I decided to see the world. (which translates to just Atlanta and Los Angeles) This trip had further significance for every flight I had taken twelve months prior related to romantic matters. That all um, ended quite disappointingly... and comically.

It was great to do something for me, to spend time with my friends, reciting corny phrases from movies (like my favorite, 'Just mackin'... and hangin', mackin' and hangin'... from the movie "The Wood" Don't tell me I'm the only one who loved that.)

It was my first night in ATL at a lounge spot with my friends. It was the hot spot on Thursdays and had no cover. I was carefree and needless to say tip-say! Surely I was minding my business avoiding the thought of men when to be silly, I turned around facing a guy of short stature and started dancing with him.

I have never met a man more amazing.

He attended college in my hometown and is charming considerate and passionate about every thing he does. We hung out until 5:30 am---- clearly blocking all my pimp game for the rest of the night. The following day we had our first real date...and kiss. And it was good. Like -throw your hands up and scream "score!"- good. (I know you were thinking "5:30 am? No sex...?" Nope and he never pushes me, ever.)
This is a man that opens every door. Never walks ahead of me and places his hand on the small of my back. It's not an act but genuinely a part of him. It felt so good to be near him and hold him all week but all so abruptly he issued the disclaimer-he was not ready for a relationship. What? It wasn't like I asked for that, but I guess Atlanta guys fear a woman is always plotting to lock them down. Good thing I didn't sleep with him. Off to LA.

But I couldn't stop thinking of him. So when he called weeks later and ultimately came down...it was a wrap. He is the truth. In side of him is the spirit of my husband, walking and breathing. From the way he loves his mother and truly looks up to his father (he's an only child so I guess you would adore your parents...or totally hate them) to the way he isn't just a dreamer. No matter how hard, he makes those dreams real.

I love the way he talks to me, the sound of his voice, the way he touches me, the way he kisses me. My drought? He was worth the wait. I love the way he kisses my collar bone when we make love, how comfortable I am and how I find myself always wanting to give him more. I am a little better of a woman because of him. How am I supposed to let go?

I can't remember feeling like this. I think I love him. Gasp! There, I said it and with that said, I must get off this love boat. Yep, nothing lasts forever and all cruises come to an end. It's not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean in order for smooth sailing …and he was a reeeaaaally nice ship. But hey, you either walk off or be thrown off...and he ain't about to get a black woman's hair wet.

Big ups to Diva whose post obviously had me stuck on the ocean.
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Friday, January 13, 2006


"Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" Don't because I swear to God you are the only one.

It was this past year that I realized that everyone isn't telling the truth. I know some of you all are going "duh, that's old news". But seriously, I realized I haven't beeen getting the whole story from anyone and everyone is getting the whole story from me. It could be as simple as "Hey Jill, how's it going?" "Oh everything is great SincereCaramel, I just bought a new car and my job is going pretty good. Oh and Jack, he is still amazing, sex is still amazing. We even went ring shopping the other day. He is so amazing." Then you find that Jack fell down the hill because Jill pushed him and Jill came tumbling after because well, Jill still wants to look like a devoted girlfriend/wife. You know the old saying "Stand by your man". And the sex is only amazing because they fight all the time. Make-up sex is like drunken sex, no matter how messy it's always good.

I find that I seem to answer these questions truthfully which makes me a...hmm let's see what is an all encompassing word? I am leaning towards "bitch-and-moaner" but "gullible puppy" works well too. I ifnd this not only about worldly material goods but particularly about relationships. Typical question, "How are you and Can't Have Him doing SincereCaramel?" And I will typically answer that perhaps we haven't talked in weeks and when we did it was through the increasingly impersonal text message and how he says he will call but never ever does. When I could say, "We're fine, just fine" . I haven't quite mentioned that he is no longer with the 12 year old he wouldn't leave for me. Yes, blog readers you remember Not-Beyonce' . I've know for months and have been dying to tell you. Nope he didn't marry the girl, no I don't known exactly what happened and I don't want to know. Do you think he may have told her about me? Nah. I'm sure he'd keep that a secret. Now he is seeing a WHOLE NEW person and is SO serious about her and is spending SOOOOO much time with her. I secretly want to gag when I hear it cause I know it's bullshit. But I won't tell him that. I don't know what is to become of him and his new girlfriend whom I will now endearingly refer to as Connie Chung. Endearing because it's all love there, trust me. Is this the one for him so I can move on with my life? Part of me wishes him the best because I know part of me is secretly waiting for him. So secretly that that part of me is doing it behind the "rest of me's" back. A part of me has always been a bit of a coniving bitch.

With that said how can one really have an open relationship when people really aren't...open? Is it really reasonable to expect people to be open with you? You find that your best friend of 13 years has being doing drugs you never even heard of . But you tell her everything. How do you feel? All the more reason to just shut up. So when some asks 'how are you?' just burst into song like Big Gay Al and sing "I'm super. Thanks for asking!" That's all that's necessary.
Secrets...SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Quiet, Cause Sorry Is A Lame Excuse

Well well blog, we meet again. What?!? I was on holiday break! What is that? That should have provided me more time to blog about my ill feeling towards family members and the anti-"Happy Holidays" chatter? It was pointless. Both of them. And I can't do anything about it.

I can't offer a good excuse except...I had nothing good to say. I just stopped talking. To everyone. Everything I had to say was negative. How are you? ? Hmm...not so good. Then I start talking at the mouth like a sad rat. Even though I am sad everyone doesn't need to know about it. Except through this semi-anonymous manner a.k.a my blog. You every feel like your stories are just some source of entertainment for others. Like people feed off of your negative energy, it makes them feel better about themselves. I can't offer that kind of service with out some monetary compensation. A large one. Second, sometimes I feel like I have heard all the advice I want to hear. After all, I have already looked on the bright side, yes I know I am a wonderful beautiful person, I am aware I was able to just get up in the morning. No, I probably am not just going to move on and forget about him, I haven't yet. And every minute of every peptalk/ scolding doesn't add one red cent into my currently negative-balanced bank account. So I just stopped talking, so people would stop talking to me. Thanks for your help guys, but I still feel like shit.

Perhaps time will help. Yes, two doses of half past never and I will be okay.
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