Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Thow Away the Key


I had the opportunity to meet a bit of my past recently. It was good timing too because I have all but lost myself to this dry ass graduate school life. It unlocked alot of memories folks. I was reminded of how I got this way, bitter but hopeful, emotional but insensitive crazy but sane, mean as hell but surprisingly good in bed. It was the inevitable reunion between me and my Ex -(not-really-my) Boyfriend. I had been looking for him ever since I moved back to my hometown, no particular reason. But as always he found me.From him I learned to be patient with men, to let them roam, not to nag but to communicate my needs through more effective ways, namely ways that they wouldn't ignore by increasing the volume to the football game. I learned not to ask questions I didn't want to know the answer to and to take things for what they were. I learned how to be short changed. I learned how to love him while he was here and not miss him while he was gone. Essentially I have sharp relationships skills only applicable to non-committal relationships and being the woman on the side. But I can say I learned to be a woman about my shit.But this meeting was different (not that different but...) he apologized. For everything, from not taking me to Prom, to never making me his girlfriend. For everything that we have gone through over the gazzillion years it has been and that he always loved me. But duh! I knew he'd be sorry one day. No shit. But he made the biggest distinction that I perhaps was too young to know or could be the biggest crock of shit in the world...I was too good for him. Sure, now its obvious (am in grad school and he's going to do a bit of jail time next week.) But when I was young I didn't care. I just wanted to be the person he called when he got in trouble not just when he wanted to spend the night. I wanted to be the person he spent his um, "earnings" on. It’s the classic story about the good girl and the bad boy equipped with the whole-he knew I was too good for that and that I deserved better- bit. Besides I didn't need him to take care of me, my daddy does a damn good job.It's funny to hear that he is taking care of someone else now, when I had to settle. It hard to hear that he is going away for while after I just found him and that I...still believe in him. I am a special kind of woman, and I am confident about what I can offer in a relationship. I didn't need him to tell me that but in some odd way he gave me the ability to discover that on my own. He still has the key to my heart, although that can't unlock that cell hopefully it would remind him that he too deserves better. Which is why I never give out keys in relationships, you never get them back.
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4 comments:

  1. girls are stupid, if they were smart they'd have nothing to do with men... which would inevitably make lesbians out of all of them... this is quite a problem to solve. damn

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  2. You made me remember someone from long ago. He shaped most of my relationships with men. (For the better, I would say, though at the time it was alternately painful and glorious.)

    I still think about him.

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  3. Courtenay7:47 PM

    A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. -Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

    Thought this one was appropriate for you! Love you, darling!

    --Courtenay :)

    ReplyDelete

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