Monday, November 28, 2005

Residual Turkey Syndrome



Turkey. I'm not a turkey. I ate a lot of turkey. Turkey makes me sleepy. What more can I say?

I thought long and hard about getting up for the upcoming and unstoppable horrors of Monday. Besides being grateful that I'm alive and can see another Monday blah blah blah, going back to your everyday routine (that you so desperately want to get away from) in two words...clearly blows. I can not begin to tell you of the unnecessary drama of this Ph.D program. It's like being hazed, except not nearly as exciting. Ha ha ha, I called it drama like I was on Laguna Beach. Perhaps MTV should make a reality T.V. show about my life. It would be called "True life: I am a hot girl who chose school instead of making money and getting laid on a regular basis." Oh that's too long for a title? How about this, "True Life: Grumpy as shit."

I said that I would use this break for a rejuvenation of sorts, you know as a pick me up. I am such a slacker. They are two seconds from throwing me out of this program. That's why I walk around the department with my head down, don't want to look anyone directly in the eye. I keep my office door closed. I was hoping the cranberry sauce and stuffing would boost my morale. Unfortunately I had weighted myself the Wednesday before. (I was checking to see if the scale still worked). What the break did do was let me catch up with my childhood buddies who have well, actual jobs, new cars and sparking pieces of jewelry that live on the ring finger of their left hand. Comparably, I have fifteen pounds that I need to lose, a salary in the low $13k's and this proclamation of um, bettering myself... It blows guys, the shit blows.

When I was young I thought I would have run off with a pro-football player by now!!! (I tried, that's another post) Not any of this shit. I just realized I might not live that young single well to-do- lifestyle. I won't be that 27 year old single girl driving a porche beating men off with my Chanel bag as I thought. I will be here, eating ramen...still. I think I have been staring at college-ruled paper too long. Who convinced me that this was a good idea?The holidays already make you dread going back to work but the thought of going back to overwhelming assignments and (ughhh!) finals really makes me want to drop my pencil and spring for something with real benefits i.e. health insurance. Hopefully I can pass this attitude off as Residual Turkey Syndrome and I avoid having one of those "meetings". Apparently, they have that here in academia too.
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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Thow Away the Key


I had the opportunity to meet a bit of my past recently. It was good timing too because I have all but lost myself to this dry ass graduate school life. It unlocked alot of memories folks. I was reminded of how I got this way, bitter but hopeful, emotional but insensitive crazy but sane, mean as hell but surprisingly good in bed. It was the inevitable reunion between me and my Ex -(not-really-my) Boyfriend. I had been looking for him ever since I moved back to my hometown, no particular reason. But as always he found me.From him I learned to be patient with men, to let them roam, not to nag but to communicate my needs through more effective ways, namely ways that they wouldn't ignore by increasing the volume to the football game. I learned not to ask questions I didn't want to know the answer to and to take things for what they were. I learned how to be short changed. I learned how to love him while he was here and not miss him while he was gone. Essentially I have sharp relationships skills only applicable to non-committal relationships and being the woman on the side. But I can say I learned to be a woman about my shit.But this meeting was different (not that different but...) he apologized. For everything, from not taking me to Prom, to never making me his girlfriend. For everything that we have gone through over the gazzillion years it has been and that he always loved me. But duh! I knew he'd be sorry one day. No shit. But he made the biggest distinction that I perhaps was too young to know or could be the biggest crock of shit in the world...I was too good for him. Sure, now its obvious (am in grad school and he's going to do a bit of jail time next week.) But when I was young I didn't care. I just wanted to be the person he called when he got in trouble not just when he wanted to spend the night. I wanted to be the person he spent his um, "earnings" on. It’s the classic story about the good girl and the bad boy equipped with the whole-he knew I was too good for that and that I deserved better- bit. Besides I didn't need him to take care of me, my daddy does a damn good job.It's funny to hear that he is taking care of someone else now, when I had to settle. It hard to hear that he is going away for while after I just found him and that I...still believe in him. I am a special kind of woman, and I am confident about what I can offer in a relationship. I didn't need him to tell me that but in some odd way he gave me the ability to discover that on my own. He still has the key to my heart, although that can't unlock that cell hopefully it would remind him that he too deserves better. Which is why I never give out keys in relationships, you never get them back.
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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

My Computer has the Clap


I turned on my computer and it started doing some funny things. I can't tell you what exactly, I am a bit too embarassed. Think the electronic equivilant of odd discharge. Just as I had given up on battling the 34 Internet Explorer windows and losing the last draft of my assignment I'd been working on, I began to ponder that scary question "Where exactly has this computer been?" And I had to accept the possiblity that my computer might be a little whore.

No, a hoe. Cause a whore is probably making a little change and me and this heavy-assed Dell laptop are broke ass hell...literally. I remember when I first got this thing. It was so pure, it came in the mail looking pristine with the symbolic white styrofoam. A virgin, it didn't even have Microsoft word on it. I taught it everything it knows, I opened the doors to statistical packages and AIM. I showed it the good life! And this is how it repays me...by getting infected. Letting any ol' flash drive dock in its USB port. Magically deleting the music I have on my computer. Downloading whatever random freebee and giving it an icon on my desktop. You can't just do that! Having an icon on my desktop is something special. You can't just give that kinda love away. I can't tell you how many hands have touched this computer, how many sites it has visited.... I just can't count anymore and remembering how my laptop disappointed me when I really needed it... sent only the most important assignment to my Professor for it to open as plain jibberish...twice. I can't stand to look like the town fool and that's what my computer has set out to do.

Perhaps I didn't treat it the way I should have. Sure, I had like 7GB of music on my hard drive and no I never really turned it off. Ever. I might have spent a little too much time downloading off these "illegal downloading sites". That's it. Maybe I pushed my laptop into betraying me with spyware, tons of it. Maybe if I treated it a little better my display screen wouldn't black out periodically causing me to smack it violently. Like now. I don't mean to, sometimes I get a bit carried away this laptop is always pushing my buttons.

I hope whatever connection my laptop had with...(sigh...) was worth the strain on our relationship. It is going to take many sessions with the Geek Squad to bring us back to where we used to be. I guess I should delete the porn now. Something tells me that will come up some where and I want to do my part to make this relationship work. Besides I don't want to look like the bad guy.
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Wednesday, November 09, 2005

2000 Hits


Shut up another post! Wow... I am on a blog roll! I am soooo excited to see my blog tracker go over a 2000 hits. Sure maybe um,1256 of them was me visiting my own site but you know any little brenchmark is a plus.

Speaking of 2000, I graduated highschool in 2000. (look, you saw my profile, it says I'm 23, don't act all surprised that highschool was not that far away for me) Since I moved back to my hometown, I have only seen my whole graduating class, my old spanish teacher that I hated, and other people speckled through out my past. And it blows. The stupid thing about it is some try to act like they don't REALLY remember where they saw you from. Um, could it be summer camp in the third grade and all four years of high school? Oh and let's not forget your mommy and my mommy work together. Yeah, you're an idiot you aren't fooling anyone.

Why do people do that?

Let's keep that blog tracker rolling. I mean I have a rate of 3 hits a day. That's good right?
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Monday, November 07, 2005

Very Random...I'm Coming Clean


What the hell? I am posting twice in one week? Am I getting my mojo back? Keep your fingers crossed. So I must admit that this past saturday morning after completing an online exam I quickly gathered my books and my bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and set up for what was going to be a gruesome day of studying. (Which translates into doing shit-else but studying the entire day, but I'm sure you guessed that.) As I scattered all of my folders, counted my highlighters and really put on the dramatic show entitled "Perils of a Serious Grad Student" for um, the pictures on my bedroom wall I eagerly turned my TV to MTV because I was QUITE sure there was going to be a Laguna Beach marathon.

Okay, I will procede to answer the burning questions I am sure you are having right now.

1. Yes, I watch Laguna Beach and I can hear you laughing.
2. Yes, I do hate Undergrads but obviously not whiny West-coast high school kids. I guess I am far enough removed that I am free to enjoy their "drama", find humor in their ill-fitted clothes and see them in their lavish homes. I mean it's not theirs, it's their Mommy and Daddy's and therefore I find no need to be jealous.
3. Yes, I am just a little ashamed. Don't rub it in.
4. Ever since Jessica said "Don't hate the game, hate the player" Clearly, messing the whole saying the fudge up, I was hooked. I'm easy like that.

So I literally waited all damned day, I mean they air this show at least a million times a day right? But on Saturday, nothing. I was like, totally bummed out that I couldn't find out what happend to Jason and Lauren cause like, Jason is totally a male hoe. I was like, going though some kinda craving because I might have checked MTV like, every 30 minutes. But they had a freaking Made marathon like, who freaking watches Made? Made is for losers. I was like, totally spazzing and humming the theme song by Hillary Duff under my breath the entire day! ' Let the rain fall down la la la la ...I'm coming Clean...' And like, talking like I was a cast member of the show, ... out loud...the whole day. Omigosh!

Not watching a Laguna Beach marathon messed up my studying moral and might have ruined my entire weekend. We can't let this happen again. I know this was random but it was important to share. I haven't felt this way since Ally McBeal. Yes, I watched Ally McBeal. I know you did too. Come Clean.
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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I need a face lift


Even though the birds ain't churping and the sun ain't shining, it looks like a beautiful morning.
-Little Brother


It so has been two weeks since I posted. What is wrong with me? When I first started bloging... I couldn't even sleep! (I had insomnia at the time) I would just lay awake thinking of all the cool things I could post about. Now, nothing. Why? Whyyyyyyyyy!!!!

I started to think maybe it is because I have said everything I had to say. I mean, I sleep perfectly fine now, I am no longer suffering from anxiety and quite frankly, I don't read self-help books any more. Has my blog become pointless?

I have found my life as a Ph.D student a bit drier than wheat toast. I should be joyful, I have no drama. Nope. None. All I can complain about is school, tests, papers and the "upperclassmen" of my program, so to speak. And I am starting to get a bit bored and irritated. Healthy relationships, lifestyles and jobs are BORING! And for some reason fattening. When I was crazy and losing my hair I was um, a size 3-4. Hair is easy to replace and Zuki Lui always gives me a good great deal on the top of the line weave and fine tresses. I might have been crazy but I was a sexy mutherF#$5er! It was the first time I looked in the mirror and was satisfied with the way I looked. Now that I am healthy I am a size 8. I know, I know that isn't that big but it seems like it when all you have are size 4 and 6 clothes.

Furthermore, when I was a bit unsure of myself, I used to actually exercise my constitutional right to coordinate and dress in matching attire. Now it seems as if I am allergic to looking presentable. I have no one to really impress. The pressures of undergrad no longer apply to me. I don't think my outfit will make me the most popular girl on campus. So I might find myself wearing flip flops and the thrice worn jeans with a wrinkled shirt...to the movies on date night. Imagine what I wear to class. I don't even wear make up anymore. I went out as my natural self for Halloween. It was indeed very scary.

The funny thing is all I do is complain about this. I have yet to actually...put on an outfit. It really has an effect on my everyday mood. When did I get this way? When did I let myself go, stop posting regularly, gain 12 pounds. Something has to give. I need a face lift. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I should be excited every minute of it. So in efforts to re-something related to get excited-I changed the look of my blog. I might wake up early to do my hair tomorrow, but I can't promise the outfit. That seems a bit drastic.
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