Monday, September 26, 2005

Doing 85 to 95 Down Memory Lane


I composed this post while sitting in class wishing I was any where else but here. Picture me handwritting this post ignoring my professor discusing probability mass functions...in depth. Ughhh! I began a mental roadtrip to the old days, before graduate funding and car insurance when the brightest moment of the day was break, PE or after school when we would congregate and attempt to harmonize "Knocking the Boots" by H-town. Yep, The nastier the song the louder we'd sing it.

I traveled to a time when I knew all the words to "Superwoman" by Karen White before I had ever heard the tune on the radio...a time when my friends and getting my hair to grow meant the world to me. A time before we were to become the women that we are now, law students, new mothers, wives...real estate agents and divorcees. Before we became skilled goldseekers and gold-acquirers. (Golddigger just sounds too...I mean can't imagine me or any of my girls acutally digging for shit. Besides the term seems to ignore the notion that this said "gold" could actually be ours. But I will save that for another blog.) I let my mind travel to a time when it was actually cool to rap the entire theme song of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and my biggest wish was to no longer be flat-chested.

Pull up next to me, as we all can travel down memory lane. To a time...

*A time when holding hands was enough and kissing was a BIG deal.
*When you may have owned two or more snap bracelets.
*If you went to private school, you may have coveted a certain pair of Eastlands
* You may have debated which Ninja Turtle was the best.
* A time you might have actually caught yourself sing the theme to Fraggle Rock
*You remember wishing that She-Ra and He-Man would get together and feeling BETRAYED when you found they were brother and sister.
*A time when "sex tape" meant a bunch of slow songs you recorded that you were certainly going to have sex to...as soon as you became sexually active.
* You actually woke up early on Saturday mornings to watch TV
*Biker shorts were a staple in your wardrobe
* Jelly shoes, LA Gears and oh my gosh...British Knights!

As I sped down this lane...I remembered how I used banana clips to make my pony-tails appear longer, how I figured it wasn't fair that Zach on Saved By the Bell hooked up with Kelly, Jessi and Lisa...and it was kind of nasty. I began to develop a mind of my own. I laughed as I acknowledged that I am nowhere near married like I planned to be by my mid-twenties...and that I won't be. I did not lose my virginity on a soft bed of green grass, underneath the stars as inspired my the numerous Mariah Carey songs I listened to and it wasn't with my first love... In fact, I'm still debating whether or not that time counts at all... I didn't marry my first love, or my second.

Who then could have known that the world wouldn't abruptly come to an end if baby and the baby carriage came BEFORE marriage? Not graduating from college didn't mean swift and certain death? The show Martin was ever going to go off the air? Hammer was to go broke, the original Destiny's Child would break up? Innocence was sweet and ignorance is bliss.

However, as I pull up past high school and college I become thankful for the present. So what I didn't get that Powerwheel! I have my own car now and it's paid for. I can pick my own wardrobe and not have to wait until my birthday and christmas for something new. That sex tape is now a 40 song playlist on my laptop and MP3 player...still waiting for that special person. The lessons I learned were hard ones. I loved to visit the past but I clearly, clearly could not live there...there are about a million things I don't EVER want to do again shit, I don't want to see again. There are people that I never want to be again.

But you know, some things just don't change. Green is still my favorite color, I still love Jolly Ranchers. I'd still get giddy if a guy were to write me a note and fold it all special. I still dance really hard when I hear "It Feels Good" by Tony Toni Tone or "Keep on Walkin'" by CeCe Penistan. I just close the door now. My best friends are still my friends from grade school. "One Last Cry" is still my favorite breakup/get over him song. I still eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch. '85-'95 might have been some great years but I guess right now is okay, I mean class will be over in five minutes. And these moments like everything else, will pass like the trees when doing 85 to 95 mph on the freeway...fast as shit.
Doing 85 to 95 Down Memory LaneSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Friday, September 23, 2005

Taking a little bloggy break


I swore I was going to be more consistant with my postings. I mean, literally...for the past 2 weeks I have been thinking of things to post about, even sitting and typing them up and then totally walking away from it. I have a million things on my mind yet, at the same time nothing at all. I know I know, this is my blog and I can say what I want. But everything I want to say is not in the slightest, or in anyway informative or even entertaining to the poor souls that should come across my blog. So that explains my little bloggy break.

However, in the time since my last blog I have gotten deeper and deeper into my graduate program. It is sad to say that I have absolutely nothing to talk about other than that. And well, that we spent like a whole hour and half talking about how to calculate a mean and median. As if I didn't get a high school diploma and didn't sleep my way through college. But once again, I don't want to bore you.

There have been other things that have been on my mind that I have not been able to actually formulate into an interesting post that I would like to mention for instance, why do I continue to go out collecting guys numbers, store them in my phone and not call them? Then oh, then continue to scroll through the phone book trying to figure out who the hell they are. Why then dear readers, do I refuse to delete the numbers only to find myself doing it again? Stupid I know, but this is the kind of thing I have been doing on my spare time.

I am sure that in the next few days, particularly after I get over my flu I will surely have somethings to talk about. Once again, they may not be of any interest to you but, it will be great to me and we all know that's what matters.
Taking a little bloggy breakSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Relax, Relate, Release...


I apologize for my previous post. I was so steamed up that I didn't even proof read it. Talk about raw emotion, I sympathize with all who had to read a paragraph twice to get my punch lines. Yeah, and the profanity, I was a bit uncouth. I mean, New York is "the financial ball sack of the nation" but I guess I didn't have to actually say that. Things are starting to subside and we are gradually returning to normalcy. A higher offical gets a slap on the wrist (Mike Brown is returned to Washington, not fired) and people put the blame on the little guys. As if New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin could have really been prepared. "Why wasn't the Superdome stocked with food? Why weren't the poor bused out ahead of time? Why were the buses left in low lying areas? He's no Rudy Guiliani." Yep, sounds about right. New Orleans has no money, the only way out of the city is I-10 and the whole city is several feet below sea level. The hurricane shook to the left at the last minute. But it has to all be Ray Nagin's fault. After all, he's obviously irrational as he publicly spoke down to federal officals. I thought about going off today. Joe Scarbourgh commented on how inept the Louisiana and Missisippi are at handling hurricanes and used my state (and his I guess, since he was US Rep. for a while) of Florida as a "good example". I thought about going off and noting the fact that we already had our catastophic disaster (Hurricane Andrew), that as a peninsula our entire state is vulnerable to the 17 hurricanes we seem have a year and hit by 15 of them,so we are used to it. I thought about noting that Florida is one of the most well-off states of the nation and that uh, our Governor is the president's brother and that perhaps that has a small influence on why Florida is better at handling hurricanes than Missisippi and Louisiana the absolute poorest states in the nation. But I decided to not get my pressure up today. Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let it go...

I have an awful problem with anxiety and this week was chock full with bits of stressors to make me come off as a basketcase. (Well, more of a basketcase than usual) It was week two of this doctoral program and (wait...breathe in, breathe out) all the advanced students can talk about is how this is going to be the most horrific experience how the comprehensive exams have a failure rate of just 75%!!! When I found myself in my office from 9am to 3am...for the love of God...studying, I figured they weren't just trying to scare the first-year students. Afterwards I arrived to class to find my classmates reading a book that I didn't own, much less read! Now picture me in my chair, palms sweaty having a panic attack. "What am I doing here? I don't belong here," repeated over and over in my head. In a desperate fight against the sick over-whelmed feeling I felt so frequently while doing my masters, I took a break from reading, signed up for Yoga. I refuse to go crazy. Breathe, stretch, shake, let it go...

9/11 means a lot to me too so I apologize for the insensitive comments towards New York in my last post. This month of September is a significant time of reflection for me and even a bit of grief. It's difficult because it was this time last year when my world had just began to break apart. Labor Day weekend I was in Chicago with my best-friend at the Navy Pier, the both of us trying to figure out how we got where we were. The both of us screaming "why me?" for reasons totally unrelated. I remember holding her hand, heart heavy, stomach turning, completely disappointed and disillusioned, dreading my return to New Orleans. And how selfish of me, for my friend had to come to grips with the fact that life was never going to be the same for her. The two of us struggling to answer the question, "Now What?" I comforted myself with the notion that "it would all make sense if "HE" and I were to be together". Ha, adding purpose to my madness. What was to follow was probably the some of the worst times of my life, admittedly. Life never ceases to remind me that somethings are beyond my control...and if you sit back (really, calm the hell down) things work themselves out.

It was Can't Have Him's birthday when I wrote that last post and I couldn't refrain from mentally abusing myself. No, I didn't spend an hour trying to pick the perfect e-card this year nor kid myself by calling him at 12am the day of trying to be the first one to say happy birthday. There is no way I could have done that and say it was platonic with a straight face. I sent him the worst e-card and a text message during business hours and I am sure I still couldn't conceal how much I care about him. It's been eight months since...(I swear, I have to stop writing these weepy posts) and for the gazillionth time, I can't get over him. I have found a way to cope but there are times...like when I think of his girl, and the way he refers to her as "my girl", how he may have gotten off of work early for whatever birthday surprise the little girl planned for him, and the few days of every month I find myself so sick wishing it was me... a little of me dies. I was miserable not talking to him so I must say I am glad we are "friends". I am so in love and like New Orleans, if no one pumps it out it will be like this forever. I still won't let anyone close to me. Looking over the year and what we went through and my self sacrifice, I feel like (an idiot, but that is neither here or there) in a year I have made no progress. I still tear up sometimes, I still pray that he thinks of me, I still can't find it in me to hate him. A friend said once "You can't let go of love, love has to let go of you". My battle to let go for the last 3-4 years is a testiment to the truth of that statement. I am exausted anyway. This week I realized that I may love him more and ultimately better than anyone else just as there may have been someone who could better handle this hurricane fiasco. But they weren't chosen, I wasn't chosen and our screams are like ripples in the Gulf of Mexico. Who know's, this may be the kick in the ass America needed to repair the run-down schools and levees, to bring forth economic development and for God sakes, and a Tiffany and Co. to New Orleans. Soon there may be a metephorical hurricane and Can't Have Him will come to his senses, or perhaps I will. I'd take it either way. But for the sake of my sanity, I must relax and relate. You can only do the best you can, right? I am just waiting for love to let go.
Relax, Relate, Release...SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Wake Me Up When September Ends




Sigh... that Green Day song really adds to my mood. I am going to do the best I can on this without crying.

So I spent my Labor Day weekend in The New Yorker Hotel in New York City. This was my first time in New York and as a southern girl, I'm expecting something fancy. I was there for a convention so I was unable to sight-see the way I wished. Let me be honest, I was unable to sight-see because I was glued to the T.V. set watching the coverage on the "efforts to evacuate the victims post-storm". In the wake of the 4 year anniversary (if you want to call it that) of the September 11 attacks I MUST say the following things:

9/11 was an awful attack on our country. We were sucker-punched loosing about 3,000 lives. It was bad, we didn't know it was coming...there was no FEMA...but there was an immediate response in New York. There was a rescue effort to find people who were still alive under the debris. I don't believe I heard about looting. As I walked through Times Square, pissed, I immediately changed my mind and decided not to visit Ground Zero. I mean, this city lived. No offense, but only 2 of your tallest buildings got knocked down and shit, you have 50 tall-assed buildings. Your people had some where to go, some way to get there, a hospital to check-into if a piece of building hit them in their heads and a T.V plugged into an outlet powered by electricity to find out what the hell is going on! Guess what, a significant percentage of people in New Orleans (NOLA if you love her) didn't have that even BEFORE the storm hit. So New York, this southern girl is unimpressed.

With that said, what was always so heartbreaking about the NOLA is the the fact that the WHOLE city was poor. What you didn't know that America? Too busy drinking, gambling and throwing your shit in the street to notice that the whole city's revenue depends on your drunk ass? Clearly, you noticed that everyone working in your hotel was Black. Uh huh, that's what they do there, work in the casinos, shrimp and harvest crawfish. Yep, unless you were able to pay $4,000 a semester for private school you have the absolute worst education in the country. You're probably not going to college if you can't read, right? Surely you didn't think that streetcar was just for historic show? Yeah, people actually use it as their means of transportation. And you wouldn't believe it, but it doesn't run out of town! Who fucking knew!

Am I suprised at the accusatory tone in which FEMA Director Mike Brown blames the poor for their fate? I mean after all, Mayor Nagin did issue a mandatory evacuation? No, I am not. I have people here saying it's darwinism. So no, I am not suprised. And if it wasn't for the um, let me quote his ignorant ass, "looters and the thugs", the people probably would be evacuated more swiftly on one of the say... five, yes only five military helicopters used in the same unnecessary and completely wasteful procedure in Iraq. Yes, because one "thug" shot at one of the US MILITARY HELICOPTERS with his 9mm at best... ALL rescue efforts were halted. Once again, no I am not suprised. There is going to be a lot of finger pointing after this. But to say that you had no idea that there were thousands of people seeking refuge in the convention center until the moment that... shit, the rest of America found out... you have a lot of nerve to point fingers at anyone. We get our info from NBC, CBS etc. cause we have to. What the hell is your excuse? You are full of shit.

Here is where I slap my A-A card on the table...

Condelezza Rice, you know I love her. I blogged about it. But that damn press conference...how can she sleep at night? I see why Colin Powell quit. Not a race/poor issue? I comfort myself by chanting "she's just doing her job"over and over. It is probably easy for them, the authorities, the bigots, the haves, to watch the have nots die, suffer, lose their children and their homes from the comforts of their TV sets and on the outskirts of the disaster. All you have to do is just change the chanel. After all, New Orleans doesn't exactly have a grip on the nation's financial ball sack like New York. Do NOLA the way you always did her America, rape her and leave. Bush was here in Florida for the Hurricane last year, all damn 12 of them!!! Why isn't he at least ankle deep in mucky water with the poor people of the gulf coast? As I tell everyone else, the people of Florida aren't the people of Louisiana. We throw elections! We have money, we are republican!! (I'm not, I am trying to stop crying... bear with me) It is sickening how overt they are about how "allergic" they are to the poor, how inept this whole administration is at doing anything right, and how free they are at blaming ANYONE else but themselves at this monstrosity. Even to the extent of blaming the poor who were unable to save even their own lives. The poor who were so poor, so used to being a part of the "have-nots"that some asked if the goddamed helicopter ride was going to cost them because they didn't have insurance. Don't tell me that the fact that there are more black faces on TV taking toilet paper and diapers from a Walgreensbeing played over and over has nothing to do with the slow response by damn near everyone. Sure, I see that the people took TVs and sneakers but are you really going to tell me that you find that to be a fucking problem! "Hey I'll give you these fresh Nikes if you give me part of your sandwich, if you let me sleep on your cot for 30 mins, if you hold my kid while I look for my other kids". Tell me America, it that really looting and if it is, why do you really give a fuck?

And in a couple of days I have to be all patriotic, solem in rememberance of the people who worked for Charles Schwab (I am being a dick, so I take that back) the lives lost and changed because of 9/11? Watch me turn my TV off. I am embarassed AGAIN to be an American. This is NOLA folks, forgotten, and there are others cities like it. I am just glad it is on TV for the world to see how America really is. Senator Landrieu, Senator Lott, this is YOUR country. You let them dump toxic waste in your state and look you got shit in return. How's that for log-rolling! Mayor Guiliani got some award for handling his rich-assed city from the comfort of his office, his home. Ray Nagin has no damn lights!! But he is there with his people, fighting with his people, in the muck with his people!! He used to make $500,000 a year as a Cable company executive and he is there with the people hot, filthy and frustrated. Fuck you America, fuck you New York. I am turning my TV off on you and your land of liberty, corny flag waving, "freedom is on the march" chanting hypocrites. People in your own country aren't free and your own oil refineries are out. Just how great of a country is this? This is clearly going to be a long month, longer than this post. Wake me up when it's over.

New York people, sorry..I really liked Brooklyn if that counts for anything.
Wake Me Up When September EndsSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend