Thursday, August 11, 2005

I'm Sin City... Not her!!!!






























You are never going to meet the perfect person. All you’ll get if you're
lucky is a mate…
If you do meet the perfect person there will always be
something in the way. You're jewish he’s Palestinian, you're Mexican he’s a
raccoon.
You’re a black woman, he’s a black man…- Chris Rock

This is supposed to be my self help blog. So don’t complain if you don’t want to hear about this. But I do understand, it’s about me and I don’t even want to hear about this! But what do you do? Have you ever put it all on the line for something? If you read my profile you would see that I am a professional student so self-respect, dignity and my heart is all that I own. Everything else I rent. Have you ever bet it all on a dream or for love and lost? Lost bitterly? Still sore about it? Yep, me too. I took a chance on love. Sure, it was stupid, I admit it. I am in love with a guy who probably likes me as a friend and even in a pseudo-romantic way but he isn’t in love and doesn’t want to actually be committed to me. But like the old lady addicted to the nickel slots, just can’t stop pulling the handle. I just can’t let go. Also similar to the nickel slots, there is the tease that there is some chance I can hit the jack pot. I have been pulling the handle for about 4 years now. Let’s see,

Strike #1: We can’t be together because he’s graduating and moving away and doesn’t want to be tied down to a long distance relationship. But in Reality he gets a girlfriend who he claims is crazy and calls me to tell me about it. Excuse me!!! He liked the fact that he was aggressive. We hook up for a night and as the silly young sophomore was I believed we were going to be somewhat together. I was wrong.

Strike #2: Almost 8 months go by, he moved away. I miss him and wrote a poem to express how I felt for him. (I have been writing poems since I could darn near hold a pencil, but sharing the one about love?) We talk for months, even meet up in Atlanta for a weekend. Upon return he ignores my phone calls for 2 weeks. He was busy. In reality… he was getting back with his ex-girlfriend the whole time. (it was a long distance relationship I will add)

The set up for strike #3: Almost 1 ½ years go by…I know he’s the scum of the earth but so is the boyfriend I had at the time and his girlfriend ended up stabbing him in the back. (It’s a funny/sad, depressing story but since it’s not my business to tell…) I felt like he deserved it, but I still loved him. Not matter how much I loved my current sociopathic, cheating boyfriend I never got over Just Can’t Have Him. As an attempt to get over this man I initiated a friendship. It was great! (Oh by the way he stayed with his back stabbing girlfriend. It really is a good story.) At some point, and I do mean undetected in a matter of weeks, he drops Backstabber, the love of his life, and picks up a new girl. Similar to other unmentioned females of his past she was the most arbitrary, random, lucky lottery winner individual, he picks because he’s “ready to be in a relationship”. What the hell?

So let’s roll the dice.

Long story short, (I guess I can’t tell the story with out telling the whole story and we just don’t have the time) I loved him and I fought for him. He cheated on his girl with me. They didn’t have anything in common and she was like, 12 years old! Gosh, I am tearing up just thinking about it all. I felt like I could make him happy, better than anyone else. We could talk on the phone for 3 hours, It’s not like we had never been intimate before or several times. Why is he always running from me? I guess I should mention we were 1000 miles apart at the time.
What are the odds that the man leaves woman for the girl on the side? Slim to none. I took the chance anyway. Sure she was there with him and she had the ability to grow closer to him but…we have a connection. I was able to keep his attention 1000 miles away. I was able to have him fly and visit me and I was able to do the same. But it wasn’t because of the simple idea of breaking them up. I loved him and couldn’t be without him again. Yeah, I guess I didn't get the name Sin City for nothing.

But it didn’t work out. He threw in the cards. The game was over. What is so wrong with ME? Why her?!? Why her!!! So I have gone through the phases of thinking this was for the best, thinking he’s the stupidest person in the world…but 7 months later I still love him. So we are “friends”and its helpful for me. We actively avoid discussing our love lives in our monthly conversations. I know, like that’s healthy. But for some reason, (and I later realized it might be ‘cause this is marks a year since they have been together) I found myself choking needing to call him at 5am. In better judgement I called him at about 4pm the next day thinking he is at work. (see they are at the point in their relationship where she could feel comfortable enough to answer his phone and we don’t want the world to come to an end…) He says he’s sleeping (a lie 4 years consistent with when he is with someone and doesn’t want to talk to me) and that he is in Las Vegas. What you doin’ in Vegas?, I asked stupidly. “I’m on vacation”.

Damn it guys he took the girl to vegas!!!!! Argggghh!!!! For their the one year anniversary !!! I mean I didn’t cry about it (crying in the shower doesn’t count) but I was very upset. And then every where I turn there is something about Las Vegas on TV! Argghh!!! I know, let it go. Let the handle go!! But I can’t. Love and gambling is an addiction. But the difference is you can’t let go of love, it has to let go of you. I walked away from the blackjack table but the urge is still there, no matter how bad the loss was the last time I played this game. I am sick and I need therapy!

As a good friend should, my girl pointed out that (A) The girl is like 20 years old. No vegas for her. Unless there eloping... and (B) 9 out of 10 they aren’t even still together and it’s another girl. Hahaha! Right! Meaning this girl means nothing too!

But bet your bottom dollar he took Not Beyonce.
I'm Sin City... Not her!!!!SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

11 comments:

  1. Not to criticize too much BUT the reason that he prob never really wanted to commit with you is because you were the one he cheated with. I think a lot of guys in his situation view it as ok to cheat with but would be fearful that if you two were in a relationship the possibility of you cheating with someone else may still be there.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi B! maybe that was his excuse the last time but considering his the prior two times...it was just as good as saying he was joining the circus. There was always something.

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  3. Look, you know what to do. Stop stringing yourself along with this friendship crap. When will you do it? When you are ready. When will be ready? You tell me.

    Ask yourself:
    What do I get out of this friendship?
    Am I happier with him in my life than out of it?
    What would happen if I never spoke to him again?
    What is the best I can hope for?
    What is the worst that can happen?

    Make sure it's all about you, you, you. He is an unknown, but you can know yourself. And the only one you can change is you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Girl...you really need to drop this one...seriously..kick it to the curb. Now granted...you are getting advice from someone who couldn't let go of a man, who had originally claimed to be straight and turned out as gay as they come, for a whole year so I can definitely tell you it TAKES TIME. I am now over my gay dude and feel extremely free and liberated. There is no reason to be strung along and the more you keep in contact the more you are going to hurt yourself. It's like self mutilation which is what I did my whole year in New Orleans and WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER do that again. When you look back after a year or so..you will see it is a waste of time and energy and you miss out on other cool dudes to let in and make you laugh and feel good. You are a beautiful and intelligent girl and you should seriously not be wasting ur time. Please don't think that there can be a friendship with this guy because there simply can't! It just doesn't work. I have yet to see or experience being friends with a dude after things ended and we were intimate. It was what it was and you learned ur mistakes and you just have to move on and let it go. Love ya chica!!

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  5. Secret Admirer12:56 PM

    Dammit man wish I could do someting to help

    ReplyDelete
  6. Look, YOU ARE SIN CITY,so don't be letting biaatches take that from you-

    Thats the reason he liked you Sin, because you are who you are...And I am sure he doesn't want to lose his friendship with you..He doesn't want to let you go. He wants you there waiting- even if he doesn't want to be there with you at that tiime..
    We all know men are selfish- but you've let him be selfish enough. Its time for you leave this "friendship" alone and get some new eyecandy, luv.

    I know its hard to let him go- especially those long distance things...but if he's not making any effort(and he's with someone else), your time is wasted. And girl- this is actual time when you could be in Vegas with your own sweetheart!
    To hell with the cradle robber!! its not like it will last...and if it does, he'll make her miserable. Men always leave (claiming to have changed)for someone else- and then, the someone else breaks their heart.

    The key here is, dont be ready to take him back when he's done. They never change for us.

    ReplyDelete
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