Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Sincerely Heartbroken, then Humbled

"Dang, there is usually more people out here at 3am," I said to my friends as I sipped my favorite daiquiri (New Orleans Original in Jungle Juice, it will take you down!) strolling down Bourbon St. on Saturday. "I guess it must be 'cause of the hurricane," my boy replied, Yeah...

So blog readers, I know I didn't tell you (unless you know me) I was a graduate student at Tulane University in New Orleans and just moved to Florida to start my Ph.D. (Monday was the first day of school, yay for me!) I was just in the N.O. this weekend trying to get the rest of my belongings...and quite frankly to be able to stroll down the street drunk without police harassment (as long as the liquor is not in a glass container, ) just one last time. I was raised in Florida and we ain't scared of no hurricanes! But New Orleans...I wouldn't stay if you paid me. We all know that the city floods after a steady April shower, needing city pumps to pump water out of the city on a regular basis. Sooooooooo why, why, why, did people stay?

Now granted Trina was first forecasted to hit my hometown in the Florida panhandle, I just figured "hey, school will be out, long weekend!" So, I can probably understand people not taking the Baddest Bitch seriously. I didn't. Then as B.Gizzle would say, "She shook back like a 4 and half hard" and next thing you know the people of New Orleans are caught in traffic for 15 hours to just get out of the city. And still some stayed. When the hurricane became a category 5, they stayed. When it rained, my fellow members of humanity climbed to the attics of their homes. As my friend Julie would say, "New Orleans people are just spicy". That's all we can say.

I sobbed yesterday as I pictured my wonderful 1 bedroom I had just packed up that sat along the river and as I thought of my time in City Park with the ducks and the dates (I guess that was a bit redundant) realizing it was now all underwater. I cried as I saw the streets I walked to work, as I saw my school downtown, the Tulane Health Sciences Center...the school I countless times wished would just go up in flames , Canal street with their newly planted palm trees flooded on CNN. I cried as I saw my church flooded, the Target store I frequented ruined, when I tried to call my friends and couldn't get through. Our hangouts, my friends' jobs, cars and homes newly bought with new found jobs after graduation, gone. I cried as I thought of people I know stayed and didn't get a chance tell goodbye as I fled this weekend. And suddenly I realized how blessed I am.

I started this blog to help release some of the stress and pain of a broken heart, being away from my family and being in a cruddy city where I constantly saw people suffering. I hated Tulane and was depressed about 2/3 of the time I spent there. My life fell apart there, I fell apart there and truly believed that the devil was amongst me. But often times it was jogging on the levee along the river that kept me sane, writing my blog at the coffee shop on Magazine Street., watching the ships go was the spicy people of New Orleans that cared for me, that kept me from ultimately being my own fatal enemy. The heat, the crumbling roads, the high taxes, closed minds, and corruption showed me that my city in Florida was unusually utopic. But whether it was playing the trumpet in the French Quarter or selling pralines on Canal Street, the people found a way to survive, they always did. My experience in New Orleans forced me to become a woman and I learned from its people how to survive. I always say that it takes a lot of love to hate someone... and I just realized how much I loved you, New Orleans. I was just drowning miserably with you and God saved me. Admiting now how much you've done for me, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart, that he didn't save you.
Sincerely Heartbroken, then HumbledSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Sunday, August 28, 2005

The Sweetest Things parties...yay.

Sigh... summer is coming to an end. Unfortunately I the professional student, am once again tempted by the back-to-school specials on gluesticks and pencil holders. Dammit, I haven't needed those things since the fourth grade. Pull me away from the $0.50 packs of loose leaf paper at Wal-mart, especially because it's 20 cents cheaper at Office Depot. Besides I have folders, pens and thousands of sheets of notebook paper left over from middle school but I love school supplies. As I watch the back-to-school and fall fashion commercials getting that oh-so-familiar queasy feeling, my friends are annoyingly unaffected. Rather they reply, "How long is it going to take to finish your Ph.D?" continuing with the nice things they've acquired with their fantastic jobs and eventful love lives. The end of the summer marks the upcoming absence of the sweetest things: Sleeping til noon, rainy days, sexy clothes, watching VH1 6 hours straight and light traffic in this Hell I live in mascarading as a college town. As I see the streets fill up with the bright-eyed hellions screaming out of their cars, holding up the line at Wal-mart because the last cool dorm lamp in aisle 7 needs a price check...I get teary eyed. All my treats are gone or contaminated by underaged binge drinkers, short skirts and spoiled preppys in pursuit of an "education". All I have left is Publix cake that is sold by the slice (often sold out now) and I am very bitter about it.

Partially the bitterness is because of the slow witnessing of my youth slipping away. Sure I am young but I am sooo grown up now. As a pick up line while at the grocery today ( I was at Publix of course, getting cake) some guy asked me to keep an eye his truck while he runs in the store. Hmmm... thanks for pointing out your '05 model whatever that clearly your mommy, daddy or federal student loans bought for you. can't have my number because clearly you didn't have enough forsight to budget for a car alarm and that's just not the kind of man I'm looking for. I used to think that a cute guy with a nice car was once one of the sweetest things. There are a million college girls here that can be hooked by the simple horn blow of an '05 Accord and 21+ guys know it. I am very, very, bitter about that. I do try to stay current and fresh by watching My Super Sweet 16 and Laguna Beach on MTV. But the best part is the ability to turn those crazies off! Can you imagine the little fat spoiled girl behind you cursing her mother out on her cell phone while you are in the library? Or hundreds of them buzzing around in their Audi A4's and BMW 3 series cutting you off in traffic, stealing your boyfriends, or even (gasp!) seeing them in the mall wearing the exact same outfit as you with that uncanny ability to always look sluttier in it! It's like MTV everyday and I am damn near too old to be on the Real World. I need sweet relief cause I am starting this school year off bitter as hell.

I hear someone out there laughing at the fact that I said school year... it's not funny.
The Sweetest ThingsSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Friday, August 12, 2005

Chasing Dreams

Damn it, they got caught! Am I the only justice-believeing, law-abidding, tax-paying individual who hoped that they would have gotten away? I mean dig deep, dig past the higher-than-thou, do-good over layer of obligatory morality, you kinda wanted them to get away didn't you? I mean he is kinda cute. (Shut up! He is! He is in a -he is 5'5 and 140 lbs-I could break him in half-sort of way) Bonnie and Clyde 2005! I was a little tickled when I saw the Fox News coverage of the getaway couple. (I am usually tickled by the way Fox covers everything) Their story is all too funny. See, she was his nurse in jail and then loses her job because of their love affair. They ultimately get married (a prison wedding, am I the only one laughing?) but I guess she realized married life wasn't as sweet as she had hoped with him in jail. Her being an educated woman and all I am sure that it didn't take her long to figure that out.

So she busts him out of jail. All in the name of love! And look at her. Sure he was the one that called "Open fire", and probably worked his convict mojo on her. And why wouldn't he, she sure is a hot mama. Appearantly he is supposed to have conned lots of women into aiding in his criminal acts. As reported by the Cincinnati Post
"George is a charmer and a con man," said Rhea County, Tenn., Assistant District
Attorney General James Pope III. "Butter wouldn't melt in his mouth."
Oooh Wheee! A mouth like that might drive a girl to think about breaking a man out of jail. But she was the crazy one who actually did it! She killed a man for goodness sakes! I was hoping that for all that sacrifice they would have been gone at least a month. You know, high-tailing it to Mexico, feeding Llamas for change, all for the pleasure of looking into each others eyes without that prison glass between them and telephone receivers. One can assume it would get a little annoying after a while.

But now they won't ever see each other. Except in court. And you and I both know she won't eeeeeeever get out. Let that be a lesson, out there chasing dreams...only thing you'll catch is a life sentence! Love, I tell you, I was really rootin' for you. You disappointed me again.
Chasing DreamsSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Thursday, August 11, 2005

I'm Sin City... Not her!!!!

You are never going to meet the perfect person. All you’ll get if you're
lucky is a mate…
If you do meet the perfect person there will always be
something in the way. You're jewish he’s Palestinian, you're Mexican he’s a
You’re a black woman, he’s a black man…- Chris Rock

This is supposed to be my self help blog. So don’t complain if you don’t want to hear about this. But I do understand, it’s about me and I don’t even want to hear about this! But what do you do? Have you ever put it all on the line for something? If you read my profile you would see that I am a professional student so self-respect, dignity and my heart is all that I own. Everything else I rent. Have you ever bet it all on a dream or for love and lost? Lost bitterly? Still sore about it? Yep, me too. I took a chance on love. Sure, it was stupid, I admit it. I am in love with a guy who probably likes me as a friend and even in a pseudo-romantic way but he isn’t in love and doesn’t want to actually be committed to me. But like the old lady addicted to the nickel slots, just can’t stop pulling the handle. I just can’t let go. Also similar to the nickel slots, there is the tease that there is some chance I can hit the jack pot. I have been pulling the handle for about 4 years now. Let’s see,

Strike #1: We can’t be together because he’s graduating and moving away and doesn’t want to be tied down to a long distance relationship. But in Reality he gets a girlfriend who he claims is crazy and calls me to tell me about it. Excuse me!!! He liked the fact that he was aggressive. We hook up for a night and as the silly young sophomore was I believed we were going to be somewhat together. I was wrong.

Strike #2: Almost 8 months go by, he moved away. I miss him and wrote a poem to express how I felt for him. (I have been writing poems since I could darn near hold a pencil, but sharing the one about love?) We talk for months, even meet up in Atlanta for a weekend. Upon return he ignores my phone calls for 2 weeks. He was busy. In reality… he was getting back with his ex-girlfriend the whole time. (it was a long distance relationship I will add)

The set up for strike #3: Almost 1 ½ years go by…I know he’s the scum of the earth but so is the boyfriend I had at the time and his girlfriend ended up stabbing him in the back. (It’s a funny/sad, depressing story but since it’s not my business to tell…) I felt like he deserved it, but I still loved him. Not matter how much I loved my current sociopathic, cheating boyfriend I never got over Just Can’t Have Him. As an attempt to get over this man I initiated a friendship. It was great! (Oh by the way he stayed with his back stabbing girlfriend. It really is a good story.) At some point, and I do mean undetected in a matter of weeks, he drops Backstabber, the love of his life, and picks up a new girl. Similar to other unmentioned females of his past she was the most arbitrary, random, lucky lottery winner individual, he picks because he’s “ready to be in a relationship”. What the hell?

So let’s roll the dice.

Long story short, (I guess I can’t tell the story with out telling the whole story and we just don’t have the time) I loved him and I fought for him. He cheated on his girl with me. They didn’t have anything in common and she was like, 12 years old! Gosh, I am tearing up just thinking about it all. I felt like I could make him happy, better than anyone else. We could talk on the phone for 3 hours, It’s not like we had never been intimate before or several times. Why is he always running from me? I guess I should mention we were 1000 miles apart at the time.
What are the odds that the man leaves woman for the girl on the side? Slim to none. I took the chance anyway. Sure she was there with him and she had the ability to grow closer to him but…we have a connection. I was able to keep his attention 1000 miles away. I was able to have him fly and visit me and I was able to do the same. But it wasn’t because of the simple idea of breaking them up. I loved him and couldn’t be without him again. Yeah, I guess I didn't get the name Sin City for nothing.

But it didn’t work out. He threw in the cards. The game was over. What is so wrong with ME? Why her?!? Why her!!! So I have gone through the phases of thinking this was for the best, thinking he’s the stupidest person in the world…but 7 months later I still love him. So we are “friends”and its helpful for me. We actively avoid discussing our love lives in our monthly conversations. I know, like that’s healthy. But for some reason, (and I later realized it might be ‘cause this is marks a year since they have been together) I found myself choking needing to call him at 5am. In better judgement I called him at about 4pm the next day thinking he is at work. (see they are at the point in their relationship where she could feel comfortable enough to answer his phone and we don’t want the world to come to an end…) He says he’s sleeping (a lie 4 years consistent with when he is with someone and doesn’t want to talk to me) and that he is in Las Vegas. What you doin’ in Vegas?, I asked stupidly. “I’m on vacation”.

Damn it guys he took the girl to vegas!!!!! Argggghh!!!! For their the one year anniversary !!! I mean I didn’t cry about it (crying in the shower doesn’t count) but I was very upset. And then every where I turn there is something about Las Vegas on TV! Argghh!!! I know, let it go. Let the handle go!! But I can’t. Love and gambling is an addiction. But the difference is you can’t let go of love, it has to let go of you. I walked away from the blackjack table but the urge is still there, no matter how bad the loss was the last time I played this game. I am sick and I need therapy!

As a good friend should, my girl pointed out that (A) The girl is like 20 years old. No vegas for her. Unless there eloping... and (B) 9 out of 10 they aren’t even still together and it’s another girl. Hahaha! Right! Meaning this girl means nothing too!

But bet your bottom dollar he took Not Beyonce.
I'm Sin City... Not her!!!!SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Cooking Rice with Uncle Ben

So I am once again pulling out my A-A card on this blog.

Forbes has this fantastic list of 100 Most Powerful Women in the World. I caught the Forbes editor on the Today show and thus far this list has gotten quite a bit of coverage. But I have to say I was touched when I hit the page and saw their article on The List. Picture this:
Top Ten Most Powerful Women in the World... right next to it are photographs of Condoleezza Rice and Oprah. Why hot damn, two black women. Granted Condi was #1 and Oprah was #8 but clearly that was one fine day. At least for me. And quite frankly I wanted to talk about it.

So I made mention of this to my brother over lunch and he responds with the surprisingly popular, "Well, Condoleezza Rice hasn't done anything for black people." Hmmm, and we politely discuss this over Rice...and chicken. Furthermore, my sister brings me an article that reads, "Condoleezza Rice is Affirmative Action". However, to my surprise it was a complete Rice boiler! And that is where I got mad. Very mad. Now this is coming from a Pro-choice leftist-borderline socialist sympathizer who doesn't just vote democratic because I'm a double minority but because I actually understand the issues and I have no other choice. (So don't start with me.) This ol' Uncle Tom, Uncle Ben, Uncle Ray Ray looking writer came out listed ALL of Rice's accomplishments and said she ain't never done nothing for black people. You have got to be kidding me! Sigh...before I even start, I must also throw in the gumbo that I have also heard people say Oprah has turned white and she hasn't really been out for black people either. I didn't take that seriously but now I guess I should. (Deep breath, now go...)

Maybe I have little needs but the little fact that Dr. Rice is black and is tight as hell does a lot for me. The fact that I know she didn't grow up pretending to be white and if she did she would have EASILY been singled out with a name like Condolezza. (I know she was named after some music phrase or something but c'mon isn't that a black thing to do?) The little fact that I am certain the Secretary of State had to worry at least once about who was going to base her scalp before she got a relaxer while on a long business trip ... kinda does something for me. But that's just me. some clearly take that with a grain of rice.

What exactly is she supposed to do for black people that she hasn't done? Has anyone made a list? Wait, I think I hear a 'yes' in the back. Okay then, review your said 'list' and see if any of that falls in her job description. Um, hmmm. Just because she hasn't brought sneakers and basketballs to the ghetto doesn't mean that she hasn't done anything for my race. She can't give you or me a raise, she can't let your baby cousin out of jail. She can't give you equal rights or sign your timesheet any quicker. She can't send more black children to college. She only makes $170,000 a year. It's not her job! Puffy(50 Cent and even my beloved Jay-Z) leads the exploitation of black people. How? By taking a few Hanes Her Way T-shirts (probably made in sweat camps in Latin America or Detroit) slapping a little Sean John on it and selling it for 58 American dollars! And everyone is doing it, not for the love of fashion but because they know black people will buy it. And we do... everytime. Besides at millions per annum I hope Puffy does bring a few basketballs to the ghetto, send a few kids to college, start a couple of summer camps. I personally haven't seen a red cent. He hasn't done anything for me but host a couple of shows and come clean in a suit. Maybe if I work in a hotel lobby at Saint Tropez...

Let me tell you what this woman has done as listed by Uncle Ben the writer. (He is so stupid I promise...)

*She is the youngest person to ever hold the postion of provost (Vice president of a University for those who didn't know) at Stanford University. She was the First African-American and the First woman to do so also. She was in her thirties!!!!!

*AND she served as the chief budget officer at Stanford and over saw ALL 1.5 billion of that budget and did not have ONE scandal. If you attended an HBCU you might know where I am going with this.

*She sat on the Board of Directors for Fortune 500 companies such as Chevron, Hewlett Packard and Charles Schwab to name a few. (and it is just a few)

"She is hardly Mary Mcleod Bethune who is etched in Black History and started Bethune-Cookman College.", says Uncle Ben. First of all I am from Florida and I will tell you BCC is a cut-up. But who can be Dr. Bethune, King or any of those historic figures today? Oh she was supposed to start a historically black college not head an Ivy-league (and extremely well-funded) University? Clearly this man was a rice cake.

Dr. Bethune would have been sooooo proud of Dr. Rice and then suddenly completely disgusted at the way black people haven't shown her any support. Sure she works for the devil but quite honestly, you wouldn't have seen the Democrats put a minority in such a high position in the first place. Because they don't have to. What are we going if they don't, vote Republican? Ha Ha ha right...that's what they're thinking too. But they will ensure all of their assistants are minorities. How's that for affimative action!

It is hard being a black woman, period. Trying to find pantyhose that doesn't make your legs look ashy, trying to find jeans that fit your butt, working knowing that your glass ceiling is much, much, much lower than other minorities is HARD. This person has made strides that not only landed her a place in America's history books but further paves the way for minorities as a BLACK WOMAN. And as a black woman, I won't sit back and let anyone belittle her accomplishments, I take it quite personally. Condolezza Rice represents the talents and capabilty of black people and women. And she is reppin' hard!! That's a heavy load to carry so get off her back and get behind it. Support her. Even though she is working for the devil...she's just doin' her job. (Hell if T.I. can say this and explain away his pushin' weight to the black community, it should work for her too.)

Cooking Rice with Uncle BenSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend