Thursday, May 12, 2005

Take Me Out of the Ball Game

Have you found yourself feeling increasingly less motivated? Having problems going up to bat with the day’s ins and outs? Are you asking whether or not there is more to life?

I mean hell, is there? I am sure you read my profile. I am almost 23 years old, ending a master’s degree in something I would absolutely slit my writs before used to start my doctorate in the fall (in something different of course...)in a few years I will be done with school. DONE. But the idea of more school for the first time…makes me itchy. I have been feeling so…for lack of a better term, over it. I can already hear someone screaming “but you are so young! You have your whole life ahead of you!” Um, to do what exactly? I feel like I have done it all…don’t bite my head off, it’s just a feeling. I have experienced a lot, don’t let my age and student status fool you. I just don’t want to get a job. And if your job doesn’t make you, nor are the degrees you earn more than an expensive piece of paper, if you can’t live to make others happy and you have to learn to be happy for yourself, by yourself…what the hell else is there? I mean material things aren’t important right, and you can’t just go out searching for companionship because that makes you an incomplete person and blah blah…This is crap. You can’t travel the whole world, guys! Religion aside, life is a game. I am starting to think we just play it to play it.

Let’s spin the wheel, Pat!

I am tired of waking up female in a man’s world. I’m tired of saying men are stupid when they (some) really are just crooks. Crooks are going to do what they can get away with…so let’s call a spade a spade. I’m so over my cheating ex-boyfriend who is a still a liar and as a sociopath is incapable of respecting me or any other woman. There really is no point in hating a lunatic so I am pretty over that too. I am so tired of getting my eyebrows done and they aren’t EVER the same shape. I am tired of feeling like the only frank and honest individual in my midst and realizing that it’s a bad thing. I am tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed. I'm so tried of having my blonde microbraids slip out, I'm starting to forget to feel embarassed. I was tired of being negative so I decided to be somewhere different. I was once in love with D.C., Washington D.C…the colors in the fall, the Potomac, the politicians. I’m certain the feeling was mutual. Like anyone who’s in love, I made plans so that one day we would be together…that was until recently when I met Houston and the irony is that I love it because Houston feels like somewhere I had been before. While at an Astros game I was up to my old tricks of getting snacks and souvenirs for free. I’m a hustler homie! Ask about me… ultimately my friends and I took up the convo of life and games. I had better luck staring into the stadium lights because I got a big headache trying to understand how my beauty and achievements were great…but intimidating. It’s not my fault but I should understand? Who’s team were they on exactly?

Let’s spin the wheel again, Pat.

I am officially tired of the club scene but I was a good sport and attended the “Houston’s First Friday’s” event. It was just the boost I needed to get the ol’ swing back. But then it quickly turned to the same ol’ same ol’. “You are gorgeous!” I am. “You are sexy as hell.” I’m that too. "Of course got a man, cuz if you didn’t sumthin’ hasta be wrong with you.” Clearly 3 drinks weren’t enough. By drink 5…You think I’m impressive? I thought you were a promoter, no? You and your partner own this club…reeeeeally. Things started looking up. As he took my number, I proceeded to get his for I won’t answer unfamiliar calls…there then was this look of panic of sheer horror on his face. I shut my phone and said “You’re married”. “Well, I get married next Saturday.” I stuck out. I am sooo tired of playing with married men and just as tired of wondering why they want to play with me.

Nah, Pat I think I will sit this turn out.

I have been listening to Jay-z and Gospel all day packing up my apartment. I am leaving this stage of my life, starting the next season with a lot of cynicism. What else is there to look forward to? Debt, Drama, Deception and Dingy bathtubs because no matter what, the soap scum always comes back. I can say that everytime I thought I was going to lose I found a way to fight back.
“Let em tell it man, I’m falling well, somebody musta caught him ‘cause every fourth quarter I like to Mike Jordan ‘em.”
(I love Jay-z)
But at some point it has to stop, there has to be more than this. I’m grown now and I expect more, take me out of the ball game.
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  1. Hey, Sincere:

    Sounds like U hit a slump in the season. Sometimes it rains on the diamond. Sometimes the sun shines but the team still can't pull out a win.

    But rest assure, eventually the team does pull in as number one in the championship. Everybody cheers. Life is good. The team relishes in the success.

    It's a routine game no doubt. Boring and long. But it draws excitement at certain times which made the time put in worth it. U just got to stay in the game.

  2. yes, you have to stay in the game. In fact, you change the game altogether if you don't like the one being played. I remember feeling this way and I had to go back to the basics. I started to remember what brought me joy. It also helped being around people who were in need, so I could remember how blessed I was, and offer some solace to someone else. Sometimes you have to put into perspective, what it is that matters to you the most. What is most important. What you do, is not who you are. So regardless of career, money, etc.. your spirit is what needs to be nurtured. Wishing you the best of luck!

  3. Aren't you something...this is why I keep coming back. Enjoyed this post just as much as the rest.

    Nothing more to add. I think Wise Diva and A Sistah said it well enough.

    Good luck. I'll be back looking for that change.

  4. brokkenhearted12:04 AM

    Yeah. Yeah. Happy go lucky mutha...
    Only the one's who love you will tell you the truth. Your post just struck the deepest nerve with me. Here's what I one will be able to tell you how to live your life because they are too busy screwing with their own. "so what if it doesn't work out for Sincere? I'm getting a new car." "aw, her love life is a comical disaster. I'm getting married." I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest what not to do: Ease up on the comparison. Lately America has made a culture of us middle-class individuals looking at the lives of upper class individuals in envy. y'know what I'm talking about. "The Fabulous Life of..." All it does is make us compare our own lives to weekends in St. Tropez with expensive yachts. The best we can do is to reach for contentment first rather than lavish happiness. It's a start.

  5. Sin, sin, sin.

    I mad at you for being in Houston and not telling me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    But don't feel bad. First Fridays are a crock.

    I hate that eyebrow thing too.
    Get any good "Stros" gear?

  6. Thanks guys for the consistant well wishes. Yep, I was sooo in a slump, not even motivated to proof-read the post...and it shows. Wise Diva and A Sistah, you both are fantastic. Blogger#, thanks for your frequent visits. Brokken, you have one more time to say my love life is a comical disaster...Rican,I thought you lived in Space City! But when I saw Fiesta I you were the first thing that came to my mind.

  7. LOL, oh yes...Space City (Houston's alias), hehe. Its my way of throwing the stalkers off.

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