Friday, May 20, 2005

Um, Hello?



I heard somewhere that communication is key. Did ya'll hear that too? Being able to communicate with others is important and having fantastic communication skills is supposed to be a plus. Do you have great communication skills?

I am going to tell you right now that I don’t. I literally suck in this department. Why? Because people suck and all I hate and fear lie, no lurks, in the communication department, which I will soon explain in further detail. As a result of these fears I um, rarely check and quite frankly avoid email, leave my phone on silent, and never check my mail. I can’t keep up with instant messenger and I don’t believe in leaving a message at the beep. Don’t threaten me by saying you’ll stop leaving me voice mails because honestly, I don’t check them. Text messages work...but I don't want to speak too soon. Be very surprised that I maintain this blog, be extremely surprised considering I don’t have internet access in my apartment…or a home phone…or cable...just lights...and that’s not always guaranteed...but that’s veering off topic.

There are three things in a relationship that I say in the beginning, from the get-go, off top, off rip… that I just can’t stand. Three things that you just don’t do unless you want to hurt me, get me arrested, or have one of us killed. You do not: Ignore my phone calls, Hang up the phone on me, or lock me out and /or refuse to open the door when I know you are home. DON’T DO THAT! (I have somehow been unsuccessful in communicating this to those I care about because they continue to test me) While hanging up the phone and refusing to open the door for someone are all blatant acts of ass-holeness, ignoring one’s phone calls is often viewed as a mild act of rudeness and the popular alternative to confronting one’s baby mama, jealous boyfriend and last Friday night’s awful lay…um, date. But really, is it so hard you spineless, unconfrontational coward to simply pick up the phone and say “Sincere, I don’t want to talk to you right now and I will call you when I do”? Should I get the hint? The only hint I’d get is someone wants their ass kicked and denying you were ignoring my calls just further inspires me to get up and do it. Must be a language barrier, sorry I don’t speak Hint. I also will not be terrorized into avoiding anyone’s phone calls. I politely say “I really don’t look forward to our conversations or seeing your number on my caller ID and would like to regain control of my phone now, thank you.” Thus, I will not answer blocked numbers or ones I don’t know because I will not be out smarted.
Furthermore, I really don’t care for email. Sure it’s efficient, but it’s impersonal. Thank you so much for adding me to the total of ten people you had to forward Freaky Chain Letter of the Week in order for your wish to come true. I am confessing that if there is “Fw:” in the subject heading I will not read it, no matter who you are. I would rather check my online bills. Similar to email, I don’t check my voice mail for this is the manner in which I receive all my bad news and curse-outs. This is also my method of choice when I am forced to give someone a few choice words myself, (and/or cry…you know how it is). Considering they probably are ignoring my calls, it’s my only way of communication. I have 22 voice mails and 95% are unimportant. “SincereCaramel, it’s me, call me back” Thank you, but I have caller ID and I just received a replacement phone with good reception so I’ll know that you called…if you actually did call. Please don’t clutter my inbox with sweet nothings and ramblings of audio because I will never check message #35. And that might be my Mommy and she only has two methods of communication and I am never too old for the other one.
But I know that that it is unhealthy to shut people out and even I get a bit frustrated when I can't reach an individual. We also tune others out even when we are talking face to face or are too impatient to take the time to get our message across. So I promise to work on my communication skills and accessiblity and encourage you to do the same. Can you hear me now? Good.
Um, Hello?SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Thursday, May 19, 2005

You're Not Fat, Just Big Boned



No! Of course not. You DO look good in those tight pants and speedos. You're not fat, no... You are just big-boned. What, I look slim? Little did you know...I am big-boned too. (Why do I hear someone laughing?) Sure, nasty man! If you consider that a bone, (sigh) you can consider yourself "big-boned" too.

Big-boned is the first thing that came to mind when I got on the scale in my bathroom. My bones got bigger...and five pounds heavier. Ha! I should be complaining considering I worked my butt off...literally, to lose 20 pounds last year. But...what is this? I think I grew hips! I am walking with a little extra something these days, wearing the tightest jeans...which isn't new but wheew! Hips! You wanna touch? But I know that the thigh bone is connected to the hip bone, and since both are thick now the next thing to grow will be my stomach...bone.

I think the weight of all of my stress and worries have really gotten to me. It's breaking my back (busting my balls! I really wanted to say that...)I have been hot winging, chocolate-chip and cookie dough ice creaming my woes. Just feeding my woes, those hungry little bastards weren't really going away. (Thank you Brokken, Wise Diva, Rican Doll, A Sistah, and You Crazy Blogger with all the numbers for your advice and well-wishes when I really needed them) Eating, sleeping and sulking weren't making my problems go away so I figured...well, I needed to lighten up. So I did. Made a list of things I wanted to do such as, whitten my teeth, not wait a whole week to enter another post on my blog. After all that heavy thinking I rewarded myself with a bottle of wine, chilli cheese fries (they were low-fat, okay no they weren't) and the 6th season of Sex and the City when they had Blair Underwood. Ooh, that man makes me feel all fluttery and light headed. "You like chocolate don't you... Oh, I was talking about me." Oooh yes! That kinda chocolate goes straight to your hips too...if you're lucky. He's the kind of chocolate that would give you a work out. Hmm.

I finished my self-help book for the week...take it easy, love yourself...lightnen up. Stepping on the scale I realized I didn't have the dial on the zero, 3 pounds lighter. Isn't that good news?
You're Not Fat, Just Big BonedSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Take Me Out of the Ball Game



Have you found yourself feeling increasingly less motivated? Having problems going up to bat with the day’s ins and outs? Are you asking whether or not there is more to life?


I mean hell, is there? I am sure you read my profile. I am almost 23 years old, ending a master’s degree in something I would absolutely slit my writs before used to start my doctorate in the fall (in something different of course...)in a few years I will be done with school. DONE. But the idea of more school for the first time…makes me itchy. I have been feeling so…for lack of a better term, over it. I can already hear someone screaming “but you are so young! You have your whole life ahead of you!” Um, to do what exactly? I feel like I have done it all…don’t bite my head off, it’s just a feeling. I have experienced a lot, don’t let my age and student status fool you. I just don’t want to get a job. And if your job doesn’t make you, nor are the degrees you earn more than an expensive piece of paper, if you can’t live to make others happy and you have to learn to be happy for yourself, by yourself…what the hell else is there? I mean material things aren’t important right, and you can’t just go out searching for companionship because that makes you an incomplete person and blah blah…This is crap. You can’t travel the whole world, guys! Religion aside, life is a game. I am starting to think we just play it to play it.

Let’s spin the wheel, Pat!

I am tired of waking up female in a man’s world. I’m tired of saying men are stupid when they (some) really are just crooks. Crooks are going to do what they can get away with…so let’s call a spade a spade. I’m so over my cheating ex-boyfriend who is a still a liar and as a sociopath is incapable of respecting me or any other woman. There really is no point in hating a lunatic so I am pretty over that too. I am so tired of getting my eyebrows done and they aren’t EVER the same shape. I am tired of feeling like the only frank and honest individual in my midst and realizing that it’s a bad thing. I am tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed. I'm so tried of having my blonde microbraids slip out, I'm starting to forget to feel embarassed. I was tired of being negative so I decided to be somewhere different. I was once in love with D.C., Washington D.C…the colors in the fall, the Potomac, the politicians. I’m certain the feeling was mutual. Like anyone who’s in love, I made plans so that one day we would be together…that was until recently when I met Houston and the irony is that I love it because Houston feels like somewhere I had been before. While at an Astros game I was up to my old tricks of getting snacks and souvenirs for free. I’m a hustler homie! Ask about me… ultimately my friends and I took up the convo of life and games. I had better luck staring into the stadium lights because I got a big headache trying to understand how my beauty and achievements were great…but intimidating. It’s not my fault but I should understand? Who’s team were they on exactly?

Let’s spin the wheel again, Pat.

I am officially tired of the club scene but I was a good sport and attended the “Houston’s First Friday’s” event. It was just the boost I needed to get the ol’ swing back. But then it quickly turned to the same ol’ same ol’. “You are gorgeous!” I am. “You are sexy as hell.” I’m that too. "Of course got a man, cuz if you didn’t sumthin’ hasta be wrong with you.” Clearly 3 drinks weren’t enough. By drink 5…You think I’m impressive? I thought you were a promoter, no? You and your partner own this club…reeeeeally. Things started looking up. As he took my number, I proceeded to get his for I won’t answer unfamiliar calls…there then was this look of panic of sheer horror on his face. I shut my phone and said “You’re married”. “Well, I get married next Saturday.” I stuck out. I am sooo tired of playing with married men and just as tired of wondering why they want to play with me.

Nah, Pat I think I will sit this turn out.

I have been listening to Jay-z and Gospel all day packing up my apartment. I am leaving this stage of my life, starting the next season with a lot of cynicism. What else is there to look forward to? Debt, Drama, Deception and Dingy bathtubs because no matter what, the soap scum always comes back. I can say that everytime I thought I was going to lose I found a way to fight back.
“Let em tell it man, I’m falling well, somebody musta caught him ‘cause every fourth quarter I like to Mike Jordan ‘em.”
(I love Jay-z)
But at some point it has to stop, there has to be more than this. I’m grown now and I expect more, take me out of the ball game.
Take Me Out of the Ball GameSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Friday, May 06, 2005

Celibacy, Noble or Nonsense ? (part 2)




One of my faithful readers, we'll call him Bob (because that's his name) noted that I some how find a way to mention that I am a bit disgruntled about not having sex inmy recent posts. SO I decided to just go on ahead and let it out so I can write about other things of interest.

It has been a month since part one. To recap, I am waiting for a real relationship in which I am comfortable with the individual enough to share my body. Okay, Okay...and that if this special night (morning or afternoon) is indeed bad, I am secure enough in the relationship to know it won't negatively affect our saturday night dates, the late night phone calls and I know there will be plenty opportunity to improve. Basically that he's not going to leave, it is an unsettled fear I have. So...I wait. How's it going? Driving me crazy, thanks for asking! I think my hair is falling out and it has been noted that my butt is getting smaller. Smaller! I met with my doctor about my insomnia and nightmares and asked "could it be because I am not having sex?" She said maybe...I have decided no longer refer to this as celibacy, it just sounds like a bottomless pit of impossibility. I am on strike for better conditions. Hunger strike is noble so sex strike should be too. Similarly, those who had long gone without food probably are hallucinating and thinking of that ham sandwich they didn't finish. I have imaginary sex with a good number of cuties that I see out and about... no need to play the insane game of hard to get. I see the most disgusting individuals...married or hand in hand dishing out obscene amounts of PDA. Everyone is getting some loving! Even the squirrels are getting some and I'm not!! (I know that's not nice but if you haven't eaten in a while...) Aid from electronic devices are over-rated, it is not about fufilling my urges, I miss the intimacy. I miss the rhythmic rocking, feeling the divide in a well sculpted back, the occasional discovery of bruises the morning after...the caresses, the weight of a man. Oh and I miss doing the "I'm about to get some dance" you know what I mean, especially when you know you are REALLY about to get some. I miss the pull between us before we touch, his sighs and praises, arrogant sex talk, the tugging of my hair. Not hard, just enough to let me know who's running it, just enough to make me salute...but I digress. I have decided to perform the exercise of recounting what I don't miss about about sex since I think about it so much.

Wet Spots

My hair being messed up

Neighbors being mad

Being nervous with someone I really care about

Having to fake a climax or defend myself for taking too long

Sweat...I mean it's not mine...I hardly work that hard for anything.
Horny insomnia because my partner is selfish, fast asleep...and snoring

The phone ringing...it breaks my concentration and someone is always bold enough to answer it.

Finding random condoms and/or wrappers on the floor hours after or worse stepping on them. Eelch!

Having the "I gave it up" feeling, regardless of the circumstances...even with my boyfriend.

Extremely hard slapping...who does that? Even if you want to be called "Daddy" he wouldn't hit me that hard.

The extra long time men spend in the bathroom afterwards...what exactly are they doing in there? If they feel that dirty they shouldn't par take in the activity, I mean they are cutting into cuddle time...

Sex Buddies...they aren't really your buddy. If you can sustain that relationship for a long period of time, someone is in love.

Ill preparation of men...thanks for showering but if I have to make sure my underwear matches you can wear something other than plaid boxers.

Talking immediately afterwards...why? If I am still awake, you haven't finished.

Magnum condoms...(sigh) it's a rare occasion that the one holding the rubber in the gold rapper actually needs it...so it slips off. So I don't miss having to hurt the poor man's feelings when I insist on using something else.

I had realized that sex had just gotten too complicated and I gave it up. I may be marching around in protest but I miss it dearly. This is a really big sacrifice for me and there has been no compromise. My picket sign reads "Good grief, I need some relief". But I am proud to stand up for myself and demand better. And although I am losing sleep and my hair...thinking "thank goodness I didn't sleep with him" makes me feel as noble as knight. It makes this strike worth while and that is no nonsense.
Celibacy, Noble or Nonsense ? (part 2)SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend