Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Singledom is Really Dumb

"Sex maybe over-rated, but being alone sure as hell ain't"
- Quote from Woman Thou Art Loosed

Okay confession #356, I am not the relationship type. Nope. I don't do long-term commitments. Being a couple for 4 years? I didn't even do college for 4 years! That's just too darn long. I have been in a long-term relationship with my late model Maxima for 3 years and I am really starting to get that itch. I constantly ask myself what is it that I DON'T have. Why do my relationships barely pass 6 months before they fall apart? Now I am not counting the on-again/off-again relationships of inconsistant commitment. I am the queen of that. (The queen. As in I ran in the pageant for Queen of non-commital relationships and won) Don't give me the bull of I "just haven't found the right person" cause appearently the right person for the guy is the person immediately following me. And that's cool. I hate having to sit down and talk our problems out. I hate having to wonder if he's cheating with his ex-girlfriend, or boss. I hate having to watch 12 hours of sports related TV programming and feel like crap when he won't watch 30 mins of Sex and the City with me. I hate that anxious feeling when I can't reach him "all of a sudden". I mean everyone has Sprint service so I should understand, right? I am more than sick of understanding and giving the benefit of the doubt. I have little patience. My 2 year relationship was almost 2 years and that was HARD. I hate having someone I care about hurt my feelings.

With that said, I hate non-commital relationships. I am spending my time, my cell phone minutes, emotions, good panties, condom reserve and money on new outfits on an individual for an extended period of time and he is NOT my boyfriend? When it is time to go to a gala or any other function requiring a date, I actually get nervous about asking him to accompany me? I might actually be stuck without a date? Am I wondering if he's still into me as I am him? Am I wanting to say something about the girl he's on the phone setting up a time to meet again, but can't? 'Cause I am NOT his girlfriend? (and that girl on the phone might have actually been) I can't keep doing that. So instead of being in stuck in the twilight nightmare of the "I'm single but not quite alone", I am a taxed citizen of the Kingdom of Singledom.

Are you in the Kingdom of Singledom? Hate it right? Sure there is that iron gate and moat to protect your heart, but it's sure as hell boring. If you are like me and not getting have to figure out new and exciting ways to entertain yourself. For example, I have Jazz Fridays and Exfoliation Saturday nights. I do enjoy listening to Jazz and making dinner. I do love the candle lit, 2 hour long showers and mango scented salt scrubs. (I'd better, they cost a grip!) I read a lot of books, so much that I would often skip going out with friends to sit at home and read. And this is where it gets dumb. I have an imaginary boyfriend, John. You can read about him in a previous post. I have a playlist on my computer for the nights we will have imaginary sex. And right now, John and I are actually not speaking!!!! I read about life and love because quite frankly I am too scared to go out and live it. I will not have my feelings hurt again. On the rare occasions I meet someone I like I can hear the scary "dum de dum dum, dum de dum dum DUM!" Any minute this guy is going to show his ass. Any minute now. (I am sorry for the profanity)

All in all, I hate being single. One of my biggest fears is being 45, single, no kids. Omigosh, just the thought. I unfortunately covet the long-term companionship that I can't seem to maintain. I even want all the romantic things that I never really experienced letters and walks along the beach. I would really like to get some. Really. As often as possible without regard to over-exertion. It takes so much more effort to build and maintain a relationship than it does to have a successful Exfoliation Saturday Night. But it would be nice to have another hand in the tub.
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  1. Anonymous11:34 PM

    LOL Sincere, you are really having a hard time with this no sex thing huh?

  2. Awww... You're a softie at heart.

    My longest relationship was 8 months. Don't feel too down about it. We're young!

    I haven't even owned the same car for more than a year (mainly because I keep wrecking them).

    Tell me more about "Exfoliation Saturday night". That sounds fun.

    Have a great day!

    Speak to you soon.


  3. Girl I am late reading your blog, everyone else has. This is sooo good. I read the whole thing, you are such a good writer. But wait, John is imaginary?

  4. T.I. Lover9:56 AM

    Girl you have just had bad luck with guys. Well actually you had some good luck. The girls keep refering "crack", LOL you've had some luck girl. But over all, your guys have all been over-accomplished, often times good looking, inconsiderate, jerks. You are too smart and pretty for that crap anyway.

  5. Hey:

    You are indeed a great writer. I'm with you in the kingdom.

    Is the scrub WS?

    Thank you.

    PS Does John have any brothers?

  6. ok you are ridiculously funny! I loved reading your blog! Thanks for dropping on my corner! Hurry and write a book, dammit! Have you seen the crap that is out there? Your wit deserves to be printed in a book ! LOL

  7. You're actually not talking to your IMAGINARY boyfriend? Damn! You can't even keep a play play man. I'm scared of you. Let me get off this page. LOL

    You can always use toys...Just a suggestion. LMAO

  8. The thing about it is, the grass is always greener, no? I mean, sometimes relationshits (not a typo) can REALLY ultra-blow, too....

    See, the thing is we live in a society built around 4-year cycles. Four years of high school. Four years of college. Four years of a Presidency. Four years til the next Olympics (well, used to be four years anyway). I have the 4-year problem, as well. I can't have a relationship longer than four years. I generally barely keep friends for four years before I start cleaning house.

    What I'm getting at is, just blame education, the President and the Olympics for everything. That's what I do and I'm generally so happy I can hardly stop drinking.....sigh.....

  9. Miabeans9:49 AM

    Listen Caramel,
    First and foremost, you are a pledged, credit cart carrying, Manolo Blahnik aspiring Black American Princess, and as a fellow, we have requirements. We all went through it, but think of the positives~ no unnecessary gifts to buy, and no more late night video game sessions (that we could never actually play because we would ruin the tournament or high score). Remember the hours of productivity we wasted away cooking for hours or crying over a fight when we should have been studying, working ect? Go to the Singledom Revival and hold a Sex in the City marathon. Look how well the girls turned out if they could go shopping and maintain a spacious NY apt.
    As your Big Spirit, maybe I should send you the BAP handbook to reaffirm your vows or aspiring to something better.
    See you soon.

  10. LOL, I'm here with you, Sin. I have salsa saturday nights- with involve me in my own room with the stereo blaring. Everybody does them.. those little things to keep you feeling sexy and wanted and SANE. I live out my fantasies through reading and writing, which sucks because I end up adding more and more to what i want in someone. Its a complicated state of being, isn't it? But I'm good with committment, though.

  11. Mia/Big spirit! You KNOW I own the BAP book.

    Rican- I know you should see my list, it's because my prospective guy has to compete w/imaginary John. If John had a brother I would do him too.

    And yes I can ruin even an imaginary relationship! Maybe it was starting to feel...long term.

    I haven't really done anything for 4 years. Well I took 5 years of Spanish in 4 years of high school. So just high school.
    I rush everything!

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