Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Karma Parks Here

I would think that everyone has their personal beliefs outside of organized religion, something they themselves truly believe. I sincerely believe that what goes around comes around. Maybe not all that goes around, but a good portion of it certainly comes back around. I had the opportunity to reflect as I made it a point to spend my day at the park. I guess I had a private picnic. I brought my lunch of rice and plantains, two books and even my laptop. Lately, I have been having out of control nightmares. What about you may ask? Doesn’t matter and sometimes I honestly can’t remember what it was I dreamt of. I just wake up screaming or all sweaty. In addition, I have insomnia, as if I am scared to sleep or something. So here I am in attempts to reflect and ease my anxiety on green grass listening to Stevie Wonder and not a cloud in the sky. I have the pleasure of seeing 6 middle aged adults being a bit too excited about feeding the ducks. The chubby one proclaims “you’re pretty, are you a model?” Ha Ha Ha! This is my idea of a perfect day, save the occasional sight of squirrels mating. You may guess where I am going with this…even the squirrels huh? Even the squirrels. I have had a lot of scary things happen to me in the past 18 months that make me question whether or not I am being punished for past offenses. I mean…Karma is supposed to be a bitch but she can’t be that bad. So I decided to confront her on the issue.

Hey Karma,
What’s up girl? How’s it going? Well as you may guess this is starting to drive me crazy. I assume this might be your motivation but I was hoping that we could negotiate, maybe work something out. What do you think? You know where to find me.

She is yet to get back to me.

She must be chasing the sucker that stomped the life out of those 3 baby turtles trying to get to the other side of the sidewalk. Suddenly one of the adults falls into the water after trying to reach out for the baby ducks. (Ha ha ha) Oh… they are a group of um, what’s the P.C. term? Mentally ill adults. No wonder they thought I was a model. That’s what I get for laughing. Is there something that you have done causing you to experience feelings of irreparable guilt? Are you still being bit in the butt because of it?
Try putting something good back into the universe, something useful. I’ll go first.
I have cheated, been cheated on and most recently cheated with. I could be considered an expert on cheating. I kinda want to make amends but it would cause more damage than good if I called the other involved parties and confessed. So…

Signs your Partner is Cheating

1. If you see him/her cheating. This would be one of the occasions to believe what you see with your own eyes.

2. If your partner gets repeated phone calls or text messages between the hours of 10pm and 9am from the particular individual in question. Those are intimate hours, please take note. * Furthermore, there is an emotional issue between the both of them. There is, so don’t ignore it!*

3. Multiple inconsistencies in tales if daily events. Inconsistencies in anything really.

4. If your partner hides the stash of condoms. If they always had this practice, they had no real intentions of being faithful in the first place.

5. If you go through long periods of time without having sex. He says he’s tired? No man is EVER that tired, unless he had his workout somewhere else.

6. If your partner is suddenly unavailable. They all of a sudden didn’t receive your phone calls, or even your voice mails and texts messages (if they are so bold)

7. If while you are being intimate you feel as though your partner is treating you as someone different. Trust your gut; you’d know if there is something different. Perhaps they keep touching you in a way you have expressed you don’t like to be touched.

8. If your partner is suddenly accusing you of cheating and you know you are the “squeaky clean party”. The guilty pig always squeals. You actually have to BE “the squeaky clean party” for this to hold true.

9. If your partner only partakes in the obligatory actions of the relationship. For example, visiting for only 20 minutes, 5 minute intimate sessions, calling and hanging up or calling when you would obviously be unavailable.

10. If the third party says that they cheated with your partner. Yes, we would all like to believe that there is some evil person out there just trying to come between you and your boo-boo. But really, c’mon! Unless you are sleeping with the governor, maybe an actress, the benefits of a good job and a nice Nissan Altima is not reason enough to break up anyone’s relationship.

11. My personal favorite… their inability to spend time. The “I am really busy” and distance excuse. Your partner, knew where you lived before you two became exclusive. Furthermore, one makes out time for what one really wants to do. So if you aren’t seeing them at all it’s because well…they would rather be doing something else.

Hopefully, Karma accepts my attempts to make amends and crosses my name off her weekly hit list. Karma is a spiteful bitch! But I am still saving her a seat next to me on my park bench.
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Friday, April 22, 2005

Suing Ms. Mimi

I created this blog in search of self-help and self-exploration. Here I vowed to examine my personality, my motivations and dispel my personal lies. (Sigh...)Well, Mariah Carey sold more than 400 thousand copies of her new album "Emanicpation of Mimi". You know, I had money on her next album being called "Bubbles". I figure now she will have more than enough money to cover for the emotional damages I have experienced because of her. Confession #478, Mariah Carey's music is my guilty pleasure. I love Mariah Carey... more than I really care to admit... but here goes.

I remember as though it was last month, playing on the merry-go-round with the other female 3rd graders singing Vision of Love to the top of our lungs. I can't promise you that I always understood what I was singing about, but ever since the 3rd grade I have had a vision of love that never did quite manifest. Because of Mariah Carey I believe in the healing power of rainbows, I love rainy days and going to the park when I am sad (and happy, actually). And I sometimes stare really hard at butterflies. I treasured my music box. I had all of her albums...all of them. (except for Glitter, because who does?) And I have grown up and lived my life through her 15 year career.

I try to hide it. But c'mon you can't really be surprised, can you? I mean with my imaginary boyfriend ... My name is SincereCaramel! Sincere?!? Caramel?!? Clearly, I have been touched by Mariah Carey's bubbles and fairy dust. To get through the angst of adolescence I played all of her "you can do it" songs: Hero, Can't Take That Away. I used to lock myself in the bathroom and sing Looking In and Outside because no one understands you when you are a teenager. To this day I listen to Someday for the sorry, no goods who missed out on this good thing. The one you gave away will be the only one you're wishing far Mariah has been right about that.

I know this sounds like praise for the musical butterfly, but its not. Because of her consistant lyrical illustrations of magical, selfless, desperate love I have grown to expect just that. Growing up I just knew my first time was going to be amid fireflies on lush green grass...completely taken from her song Underneath the Stars . (Of course that didn't happen) Furthermore, the one time I used a song to convey my feelings(which I still can't believe I did) it was a Mariah song. Subtle Invitation... and there was nothing subtle about my invitation. She gives you a song for every heartbreaking situation encouraging you to wallow in pain. I have a playlist of her songs for that particular purpose, it's like a drug. Mariah is my pusher. I find myself breaking down, falling apart, giving my all, swearing myself and some fool belong together because 15 years of exposure to Mariah Carey has caused the illness of over-expectation thus leading to continual disappointment and emotional distress. I think I should be compensated.

Because of Mariah Carey I am tragically romantic. Tragic. I have TRIED to be less sensitive and sentimental. The only thing I accomplished is hiding it. I am a sap, underneath the wit, the sarcasm, the temper...I am just a sap. It all her fault. Now she's been "emancipated" so she can do this to other poor impressionable kids... if not me, someone should sue.
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Singledom is Really Dumb

"Sex maybe over-rated, but being alone sure as hell ain't"
- Quote from Woman Thou Art Loosed

Okay confession #356, I am not the relationship type. Nope. I don't do long-term commitments. Being a couple for 4 years? I didn't even do college for 4 years! That's just too darn long. I have been in a long-term relationship with my late model Maxima for 3 years and I am really starting to get that itch. I constantly ask myself what is it that I DON'T have. Why do my relationships barely pass 6 months before they fall apart? Now I am not counting the on-again/off-again relationships of inconsistant commitment. I am the queen of that. (The queen. As in I ran in the pageant for Queen of non-commital relationships and won) Don't give me the bull of I "just haven't found the right person" cause appearently the right person for the guy is the person immediately following me. And that's cool. I hate having to sit down and talk our problems out. I hate having to wonder if he's cheating with his ex-girlfriend, or boss. I hate having to watch 12 hours of sports related TV programming and feel like crap when he won't watch 30 mins of Sex and the City with me. I hate that anxious feeling when I can't reach him "all of a sudden". I mean everyone has Sprint service so I should understand, right? I am more than sick of understanding and giving the benefit of the doubt. I have little patience. My 2 year relationship was almost 2 years and that was HARD. I hate having someone I care about hurt my feelings.

With that said, I hate non-commital relationships. I am spending my time, my cell phone minutes, emotions, good panties, condom reserve and money on new outfits on an individual for an extended period of time and he is NOT my boyfriend? When it is time to go to a gala or any other function requiring a date, I actually get nervous about asking him to accompany me? I might actually be stuck without a date? Am I wondering if he's still into me as I am him? Am I wanting to say something about the girl he's on the phone setting up a time to meet again, but can't? 'Cause I am NOT his girlfriend? (and that girl on the phone might have actually been) I can't keep doing that. So instead of being in stuck in the twilight nightmare of the "I'm single but not quite alone", I am a taxed citizen of the Kingdom of Singledom.

Are you in the Kingdom of Singledom? Hate it right? Sure there is that iron gate and moat to protect your heart, but it's sure as hell boring. If you are like me and not getting have to figure out new and exciting ways to entertain yourself. For example, I have Jazz Fridays and Exfoliation Saturday nights. I do enjoy listening to Jazz and making dinner. I do love the candle lit, 2 hour long showers and mango scented salt scrubs. (I'd better, they cost a grip!) I read a lot of books, so much that I would often skip going out with friends to sit at home and read. And this is where it gets dumb. I have an imaginary boyfriend, John. You can read about him in a previous post. I have a playlist on my computer for the nights we will have imaginary sex. And right now, John and I are actually not speaking!!!! I read about life and love because quite frankly I am too scared to go out and live it. I will not have my feelings hurt again. On the rare occasions I meet someone I like I can hear the scary "dum de dum dum, dum de dum dum DUM!" Any minute this guy is going to show his ass. Any minute now. (I am sorry for the profanity)

All in all, I hate being single. One of my biggest fears is being 45, single, no kids. Omigosh, just the thought. I unfortunately covet the long-term companionship that I can't seem to maintain. I even want all the romantic things that I never really experienced letters and walks along the beach. I would really like to get some. Really. As often as possible without regard to over-exertion. It takes so much more effort to build and maintain a relationship than it does to have a successful Exfoliation Saturday Night. But it would be nice to have another hand in the tub.
Singledom is Really DumbSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Monday, April 18, 2005

Tourist Purist

I am at gate B 51 with my laptop desperately plugged into the wall while waiting for my plane to start boarding. I have to write while the feeling is fresh. I am at the culmination of a make shift vacation after deciding to see a friend last minute…okay he’s someone special. I hate when people use the title “friend” loosely, that is a sure way to cause confusion and find yourself financially liable for the effects of someone’s hurt feelings. That is certainly going to be the topic of an upcoming post…

I am sitting here at gate B51 in the Washington D.C. Dulles airport recounting the weekend’s events and I can’t take my mind off of the fact that I didn’t see this memorial.
Why? I can’t even remember which one it was. (Okay I just remembered that I snapped a picture of it on my camera phone the last time I was there…It’s the World War II memorial.) I am actually sad about it right now. The last time I was in D.C. it was outrageously cold. I was walking alone, angry after arguing with another someone special (don’t ask) and quite honestly, lost. I had no map, it was night time and I couldn’t see the signs too well with all those tears in my eyes. But magically I stumbled upon the World War II memorial. Yes, magically. My tears dried, my spirits were lifted, my heart touched. It was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. No point in describing it, there is no way I would do it justice. I have never heard anyone talk about it guessing because it was built only last year. It has this magnificent pool, yes magnificent… and some sculpture for every state. Sigh…it inspires you to change your life, quit smoking, make love to someone special (or at least think really hard about it) and I didn’t see it again. As I sit in the airport with a shamelessly sad face I realize yet again, how much of a loser I really am.

I am such a tourist. I love to travel but I love sight-seeing even more. If I managed to pass through a town that boasts the biggest collection of used band-aids from the Gulf War trust that I will be there…looking for the tour guide. I am the type to listen to the little information speakers at every display, read information signs. I would follow the seven mile nature trail through the woods and dash to the gift shop. “I survived the trail out of New England’s anus” t-shirt for $14.99? Sure I’ll buy it. How else would anyone know I was there, pictures surely aren’t enough. My parents’ idea of a vacation is them renting a hotel room in the Bahamas, closing the blinds and sleeping all 6 days and 5 nights. Imagine our family vacations. If I am going to travel I must see the attractions, the mountains, the waterfalls, the parks. I make sure to ride all the rides at Disney. I need a true vacation, unadulterated, with lots of pictures of me posing in front of signs of anything. The cheesier the better. So cheesy that every picture comes with that “real cheese” mark on it. You wouldn’t think someone so sexy could be so corny but…surprise!
Yeah...So I vented. I’ll walk onto this plane pure hearted, except for those dirty, sexy thoughts of my new “friend”. I get to keep those as souvenirs.
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Sunday, April 17, 2005

Corolla Confessions

Everyone has a red button, a pet-peeve, something that just gets them. I hate corollas. If anyone reading owns a corolla...I am sorry. I don't hate the driver I just hate the car. I have to confess that I have some serious beef with a vehicle and I have for years. It isn't one model in particular it's all of them. 1984-2004 just makes my stomach quiver. The compact four doorness, the light mobility, the unavoidable ugliness. If I were to have an archnemisis their get-away car would be a corolla. Sigh...I don't know where this dark sentiment towards a toyota vehicle originated. Okay, sure the guy that hurt my feelings in high school had a corolla, the girl I hated had a corolla and hung out with the guy that hurt my feelings, a corolla sideswiped me... maybe corollas don't like me. Perhaps there is a small evil spirit in every screw and door handle, reincarnated every time and every year it was made. Perhaps that why our spirits just don't connect and when I am picked up in a corolla the date just doesn't go well. I hate corollas so much that if I had a choice I might still choose to walk instead. I confess.

Here I encourage all to drop senseless beefs...except corollas
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Saturday, April 09, 2005

All Gased Up!

I, who would usually sit up at night obsessing about my blog, have not had a new post in over a week. If any of you should have had the smallest inquiry as to my whereabouts… I’ll tell you… I was trapped at home, where internet access is non-existent. And should I have found los juevos grandes to leave the house, I could have been found driving around looking for the gas station with the cheapest gas in the city. Believe me this search is almost has hard as that of the Holy Grail. Am I the only one who thinks that gas prices have gotten a bit…out of control? I mean, I was a frustrated before but now I am just angry. The smell of gas makes me angry. The fact that I must pre-pay before pumping unless I use my card makes me angry. The sight of a crowded gas station …in which I am third in line, waiting…as though no one notices that the price of one gallon of unleaded is the same as the price of one small child …just really gases me up.

I guess I can use this time to confess that I am sometimes unnecessarily cheap. Scratch the ‘sometimes’. My current salary is -$33,000 a year. Please note the negative. Career students don’t have money and I am finding that I am spending a lot of my imaginary money, i.e. loans, on gas. Maybe no one else is as angry as I am because they have a real job. Perhaps, my anger stems from my nature to clip coupons and shop sales racks and quite frankly Shell, BP, and Exxon could use an outlet store. I however, still like nice things and as long as I can budget my financial aid those magnificent stilettos can be mine. So imagine how much I am losing if I had to stop using mid-grade gas because I can barely afford the basics. Hello, $2.45 for one gallon of simple unleaded gas? That is the same as a gallon of milk. However, one gallon of milk lasts longer and gives me way more gas. has a story on gas prices causing financial hardship to citizens. How can we ease our unnecessary flatulence and make this gas issue a little bit easier?

• Carpool.
• Cancel all of the fun but useless road trips you planned to take. Unless you are going with a crap load of people who will pitch in for gas. This means I won’t be going because I am that cheap person that falls asleep when it is time to fill up.
• Dump all significant others who live more than fifteen minutes away.
• Shack up with that significant other. Hey, it is not something I would normally do but desperate times call for desperate measures.
• Remove your license plate, fill up your tank and drive off. Just once. They are actually charging $2.99 for unleaded in California. Are you seriously supposed to pay?
• Organize a strike, refuse to leave the house until gas prices go down. You can't actually do that alone though; people will just think you are skipping out on work/class if there isn’t a group effort.

Sincerly gased up...
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