Monday, March 07, 2005

The Queen Sized Fortress



It is nice to have a place to run to, whether it is real or imaginary. Years ago if I wanted to drown in the anguish of being 15 yrs old the bathroom was the place to be! Where is your safe haven now? Perhaps it is in the driver's seat of your car or still in the arms of your teddy or pet. My place of refuge is now just a piece of furniture, my bed.

Life is hard and like in war anything outside your fort is suspected to be dangerous. Allow me to illustrate. Many times in the morning I am startled out of sleep by a loud and scary sound. At times I don't hear it but when I do I have roll out of the fortress commando style, find the source of disturbance, brutally slap it and run back to the fortress. I will continue this battle for at least 30 minutes and until one of us wins. Lately, I've been winning.

My bed is...heaven. Crisp sheets, lots of pillows, warm comforter. I am soothed by the scent of mango or Victoria's Secrets Sweet Temptation depending on what I had going on the night before. Ahem...depending on what mood I was in the night before. There is ample space and the d├ęcor brings out warm feelings. In my dreams any and everything can happen!(And baby it does...) My bed is like an oasis in a desert. I have to be very particular about those I let in/on my bed. Hmm...who wouldn't I mind rubbing their crusty feet on my sheets? Mom and Dad? No problem. Snorers and cover snatchers aren't allowed. Seriously, being allowed in my bed is a personal sign of friendship and trust. My bed is for VIP, all others get Club Couch.

Unfortunately, I had begun to overuse the shelter of my bed and never left it. I hid from my battles pulling the sweet smelling sheets over my head, unwilling to fight. If there indeed was a fight, it was no longer with that source of morning disturbance but to actually get out of bed. For months I saw the world as shadows from under my covers. Then I began to have nightmares scary enough to cause insomnia. I was being invaded! I found myself in bed with the enemy and we don't get down like that. I had to make some moves.

You can't run from your battles but you cannot fight a war with two bullets and a ham sandwich. Use your fortress to replenish your strength and motivation, use it as a place of temporary refuge. Then go. Life is a bitch and she needs her ass kicked! (pardon me) The consequences of inaction rival that of bad action and you will have to lie in the bed that you made.

That's all I have to say about that.
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9 comments:

  1. Fort Worth12:38 AM

    I go through the same thing. I don't leave the house. I basically sit on the couch. I watch T.V. but I am not really watching. I don't know what to do. I feel worthless when I go out and now I feel like that at home. I don't have nightmares so I don't know how this is going to change.

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  2. Hey it sounds like you are going through depression. I am going through that too. Do you know if you have depression like has a Doc told you? I'm on zoloft and it helps alot.

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  3. Anonymous3:36 PM

    Yeah, Fort Worth, I don't know what you are going through but it sounds like you need to get some help. We all go through it sometimes. You don't know me but I am rooting for you.

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  4. Fort Worth3:39 PM

    I... just know my fiance is screwing around. We have a son and I know he needs a dad. I'm his dad. He's 3. He needs me and I need to be a man and hold my family together. get my wife back.

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  5. Fort Worth, it sounds like you have a couple of things going on. You are down because you are battling with a decision that you don't want to make. I was just there hon'. But the couch isn't going to make it go away and sometimes the situation doesn't sort itself out. It sounds as if your "manhood" is very important to you. You aren't a man if you leave your son but you aren't a man if your girl is stepping out on you. Right?
    Your fiance for whatever reason disrespected your relationship. It has nothing to do with your manhood. You can still be a dad with out being with her. But we know this. If a family is important to you and you still want to be with her then make that decision and let your mind rest. Accept all that is going to come with it. If you leave, accept all that's going to come with it. But you have to make a choice. Don't measure your self worth on the worthless. Make a decision you can stand by. Be proud of you, that makes you a man.

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  6. Anonymous3:58 PM

    Great advice! Pills can help but you still have to face your problems and the pills don't do that for you.

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  7. I can understand about the comfort of your own bed. Sometimes I feel like I just don't want to do anything but stay in bed. Occasionally its good to stay in bed for a whole day (and a night) and kind of let things go. Its a change from being up and running all the time like a chicken with her head cut off.(This is my usual state of being)

    EArlier this week, I was told by my doctor that I need to avoid stress. I scoffed at him and asked him, "How on earth am I supposed to do that? I'm the most stressed out person I know!!" Between school and family- I feel so incredibly tied up. I need time to myself.

    But you're right. Too much time can hinder you. (DAMn, I'll never know what that's like, ha!)

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  8. Ricandoll, you really sound like me. That's how I knew something was up! I don't know how to do anything without stress but now...I feel like I blew a fuse and need to be rewired or something.

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  9. Brokkenhearted4:04 PM

    My safe haven is the shower. Though it wastes water, I feel like the steam and hot water can wash away the day's failures. I'm just me, no clothes or facades. When I get out I'm forced to look at my self in the mirror on my way to the door and the sense of failure begins again.

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