Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Celibacy, Noble or Nonsense? (part 1)



*Mommy, Daddy, this is a post you wouldn't mind skipping...and all others who may potentially find this offensive*

Celibacy is a word that sounds like something that should be sold behind the counter at Walgreens. A word that really means voluntary refusal to enter the married state, with abstinence from sexual activity. But it currently means...I haven't been getting any for quite sometime.

Living a life of celibacy is supposed to be noble and admirable. Many religions place high stock in abstinence from sexual activity. Ones ability to rise above the flesh and resist all temptation. It is supposed to show self-discipline and sacrifice. I must now note that those who um, enlist in the oral service don't count! You aren't sacrificing anything. If you are able to climax...and you are not alone...it's sex. I am currently a celibate...please hold your laughter. After taking consistent traumatic blows, my sex life has slipped into a coma, causing me to send my vagina to aid in the Tsunami relief effort. That's noble. Besides I figured it would be much more helpful there.

I used to believe that being celibate was soooo self-defeating. I mean, I usually hear of people giving up sex in reaction to a very bad experience, in some senseless pursuit of a virgin or in some pact with God in hopes that they don't have disease X and they aren't the father of child Y. I however, am waiting for my knight in shining armor.... meaning my sex life will then be in a persistent vegetative state, not just a coma. "Celibacy" is self-defeating if you let some awful situation get the best of you, but I accept defeat! The winning blow? "I really wasn't into it, couldn't you tell?...It felt forced." Um, excuse me?!? Maybe I would have noticed but all his slapping was a bit distracting. After that I had to send my vagina on the next plane to Indonesia. *Sigh* I did force him to have sex with me, I did. Everyday...for a week. Even in the shower. Yeah. Love is sooo evil. But I can admit now that although I was really into him (In love)...I was not always that into it either. And I am sure if he gets off his high horse, he could tell.

Speaking of being dry, I would always refer to my long periods of sexual deprivation as droughts. But this is extra, extra dry. If we forget that week (which is utterly impossible) I haven't received any male affection for months! And I am about to go slap crazy!!! The hardest thing about not having sex...is obsessing over all the good sex you are not having! Instead of thinking about why anyone would make windshield wipers for head lights I am having fantasy sex.

Explore why you are giving up sex. Are your reasons noble or nonsense? It's soooo much harder when you've actually had sex before. When you've had good mind blowing, neighbor waking, cops calling, as if you were high on crack sex! Because if you haven't, you wouldn't know what you were missing.

This is supposed to be a sacrifice in order to find the right man. Don't argue with me, this is just what I decided to do! I have given up a lot of other things in the process i.e. steamy romance novels, random Friday night dates, bubble bath(don't ask) movies, steak...I no longer have more than one drink on dates 1-4 cause times are getting kind of hard...only time. Puh-leeze Prince Charming come rescue my uh...not-Snow White-sex life from a persistent vegetative state!!!!

Today celibacy is nonsense.
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Chicken Soup for My Soul



So yes, I acknowledge that Royal Guilt had been the last post for quite sometime. I was on vacation, okay. Yes, spring break. As a student professionale I strive to be the oldest spring breaker on the beach. Don't hate if you have a real job. I spent my time touring the entire state of Florida. Literally. I spent about $200 in gas. Damn Bush. But it was worth it. I spent time with high school and college friends that I had not seen in months in places I had not been in years. My friends always motivating and hilarious! It was a break I desperately needed. Chicken soup for my soul. Away from professors, statisical analyses, email and into the ease of the Florida lifestyle and slow but repetitive swipe of my credit card at every freakin' store I stopped in! The bank even called me mentioning a crisis alert! I was in Tampa, Orlando, Miami, Gainesville, Tallahassee...just swiping away. What is more relaxing than finding your coveted handbag on sale at Banana Republic before you go to a fashion show on South Beach? And all those good looking bodies... Mmm...mmm...good.

Unfortunately while I was gone my father caught the worst flu known to man. I was soooo sad to hear my Daddy sound so sick, all he wanted to eat was soup. My friend called me in need of help that I was unable to give her. If I wasn't partying it up in Florida and had taken the time to check my voice mail (which I never do) I might have been able to help. However, one thing I do know about her, as well as all of my friends is she can make a way out of anything. Just give her a $0.77 can of chicken noodle soup. She loves it. Hungry, chicken noodle soup. Bad day, Chicken Noodle soup. We made a liquor run during mardi gras and she HAD to have two cans of chicken noodle soup.

Since I am supposed to be helpful, I encourage everyone to do something soothing for themselves. Not nice...soothing. Like take a vacation, buy that outrageously priced PSP. (its a handheld video game, mp3 player...soothingly unnecessary) Use your sick days and actually GO to the Final Four. Buy a new pair of shoes...be creative with your chicken soup. (take that any way you like)

What is with the healing power of chicken soup anyway? Noodle or no noodle? Chicken soup is just nasty. What is it by the way? Baked chicken juice fat with noodles if you are lucky? I will stick to the beach healing my emotional and physical ailments. Besides, I don't do limp noodles and if you close your eyes, everything tastes like chicken. So imagine if it's soup...blelck!
Chicken Soup for My SoulSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Royal Guilt




People have been talking to me left and right about feeling guilty. Not particuluarly for advice of course, but to vent. "Oh I feel bad for not calling her back." "Geez, I didn't study enough for that exam." "Oh I feel so guilty for taking that phone number at the club." "I feel guilty checking my personal email at work" I started to feel guilty this week just for not feeling guilty! So I started to review my books for pointers on releving guilt. But there it was on MSN. I have tried to ignore it...but really are we celebrating the engagement of two notorious adulterers after a 20 year affair? Oh we are? Oh.

Just recently I battled with the pursuit of happiness and letting others down. Wanting to follow my heart but still look myself in the mirror every morning. Having to tell everyone I am sick but still look amazing. (No one believes I'm sick) But why should anyone feel guilty? Do you think Prince charles and his Mistress Camilla feel guilty? Let me give you a hint...they are making comemorative stamps with their pictures on it for all British citizens to buy.

A friend of mine said to me that diamonds are a girl's bestfriend and that she wished she had some but would feel guilty about owning mining products considering how badly the miners are treated. Once again to you think Camilla is feeling guilty?

No, I don't think she's lying awake at night in agony over the miners low pay.

I don't think it is necesary to tell their story, its on the internet. And I am not really judging them because it is their business. (Although its getting heavy coverage)However I will say this... It is awfully cute how their love could withstand time (can you imagine their arguments!) and that Prince Charles at the end of the day still wants to make Camilla an "honest woman". So girls, even if the love of your life gets married don't let it go. No, hold on to love. You never know. If you wish with all your might...his wife might die (but not from your wishful thinking, no...) and you too can marry the prince!

I should feel bad for saying that and I almost do. I should feel bad about alot of things, but heck as long as it's in the name of love...It's A-OK!
Royal GuiltSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Sunday, March 13, 2005

When Anger is Good



Amongst the many anger management classes, handbooks, and court mandated therapeutic sessions, rarely do we see anything mentioned about the benefits of anger. Dr. Laura (yes, I read a book by Dr. Laura) mentions that suppressed anger (well, in women) is associated with poor health and dying early. So much energy is spent trying to suppress our anger and hide our frustration. But sometimes anger is good!!! Anger makes things happen; takes somewhat frustrating, confusing situations and kicks it up a notch. Have you found yourself bland and without motivation due to low self-esteem, sadness, self-doubt, love, depression, or fear? Sprinkle a little anger on it! Anger is fat free, burns calories and if chased with beneficial action can taste really, really good. Like everything else too much anger is bad for you, but so is anger deficiency. Are you getting enough Vitamin A? (A is for anger…)

I understand that some of us don’t know when to get angry and more so, when our anger is appropriate and justified. And since this is a self-help blog…

It is alright to be angry if…

• You did a significant amount of work on a project and the team slacker took all the credit and the salary bonus
• Your roommate never has enough money for rent but consistently appears with new clothes
• Your boss consistently makes insulting remarks
• There is a noticeable decrease in the supply of condoms that you share with your partner…and you DON”T know why
• You paid thousands of dollars for an education and you don’t think that you learned squat and the only thing you DO know is that you were treated like crap
• You have lost control of your own life to a suspicious spouse, consuming unrewarding career, or parents that won’t recognize that you’re an adult
• You discover it is not your child
• You devoted your heart and efforts to someone undeserving and unappreciative
• You find people are constantly trying to put you down
• You rent a car from say…Enterprise and it breaks down
• Your boyfriend is dating your friend behind your back
• You never get paid on time
• You pay 80 bucks a month for digital cable and once a week you can’t see crap
• You find your self-worth valued on the opinions of jerkish exes who make bad decisions and have even worse taste, idiot people who don’t know you from Adam and whether or not you have a date on Saturday night.
Okay, are you mad yet?

Get mad!!! However, take this anger and put it in the right direction. Don’t get mad at the child that isn’t yours; get mad at the deceitful person that hid that from you. Don’t get mad at the T.V., get mad at the cable company. Then get mad at yourself. Yep. The company is cheating you, his new girlfriend looks like a boar, you bought those darned shoes a day before they went on sale! And as a result you are crying, depressed, scared or unmotivated? Get mad at yourself and do something beneficial and within the boundaries of the law. Stand up for yourself, make new plans, ask for a price change on those shoes, break up with your girlfriend… she’s a leach! Get over that fear of being alone, admit that he was a certified waste of your time and that you're better of without him. Take control of your life back, better yet, snatch it back!
No, this will not make you a bitter person, just mad as hell. Take a bite of that and chew…tastes good huh? Okay, now let it go. Anger can be great for the heart but bad for the liver(sigh...) like alcohol.
When Anger is GoodSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Monday, March 07, 2005

The Queen Sized Fortress



It is nice to have a place to run to, whether it is real or imaginary. Years ago if I wanted to drown in the anguish of being 15 yrs old the bathroom was the place to be! Where is your safe haven now? Perhaps it is in the driver's seat of your car or still in the arms of your teddy or pet. My place of refuge is now just a piece of furniture, my bed.

Life is hard and like in war anything outside your fort is suspected to be dangerous. Allow me to illustrate. Many times in the morning I am startled out of sleep by a loud and scary sound. At times I don't hear it but when I do I have roll out of the fortress commando style, find the source of disturbance, brutally slap it and run back to the fortress. I will continue this battle for at least 30 minutes and until one of us wins. Lately, I've been winning.

My bed is...heaven. Crisp sheets, lots of pillows, warm comforter. I am soothed by the scent of mango or Victoria's Secrets Sweet Temptation depending on what I had going on the night before. Ahem...depending on what mood I was in the night before. There is ample space and the d├ęcor brings out warm feelings. In my dreams any and everything can happen!(And baby it does...) My bed is like an oasis in a desert. I have to be very particular about those I let in/on my bed. Hmm...who wouldn't I mind rubbing their crusty feet on my sheets? Mom and Dad? No problem. Snorers and cover snatchers aren't allowed. Seriously, being allowed in my bed is a personal sign of friendship and trust. My bed is for VIP, all others get Club Couch.

Unfortunately, I had begun to overuse the shelter of my bed and never left it. I hid from my battles pulling the sweet smelling sheets over my head, unwilling to fight. If there indeed was a fight, it was no longer with that source of morning disturbance but to actually get out of bed. For months I saw the world as shadows from under my covers. Then I began to have nightmares scary enough to cause insomnia. I was being invaded! I found myself in bed with the enemy and we don't get down like that. I had to make some moves.

You can't run from your battles but you cannot fight a war with two bullets and a ham sandwich. Use your fortress to replenish your strength and motivation, use it as a place of temporary refuge. Then go. Life is a bitch and she needs her ass kicked! (pardon me) The consequences of inaction rival that of bad action and you will have to lie in the bed that you made.

That's all I have to say about that.
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