Friday, February 25, 2005

How to Lose a Mate in 10 Days

I LOVE this movie. It always lifts my spirits like a new sweet smelling salt scrub. (Guys, this is equivalent to a new video game or the Monday morning after your favorite team wins the game of the weekend.) I am a hopeless romantic and they of course, end up together.
But c’mon! There isn’t a bit of realism present in the entire film. They fall in love, IN LOVE now, in ten days. I repeat… ten days, in New York City. If the movie wasn’t so funny and Matthew McConaughey so cute, the movie would be sooo depressing. I can’t manage to have three dates with a man in ten days. Have you been dating someone for 8 weeks unable to get them to commit to you exclusively? Guys, do you wish your girl of a billion years could play cards (or PlayStation 2) and for just once hang out with your friends? Then don’t watch this movie. She brought him a love fern for goodness sake! A plant. And she never lost the guy so we didn’t learn anything. What are your turn-offs? I challenge you to revisit those painful moments when it was in fact you who pulled the plug on the operation. But because I am itching to put another list together…

How To Lose A Mate In 10 Days or any specified amount of time.
(Why? Because I'm an expert)

• Tell him you love him first. Tell him you love him the first month, week, or year. Tell him you love him on the first date, first day of the month, first time you meet his dog…Anything with “first” in it.

• Miraculously befriend her evil, cheating ex-boyfriend.

• During your first overnight stay, use the last of her Victoria’s Secret shower gel when she specifically laid out the Dove soap for you.

• Utter the phase “are you a new chapter in my life or just a footnote” on the first day or date.

• Over dinner, mention the exact number of people you’ve slept with…especially if it’s a three-digit number.

• Jokingly accuse her of stealing your wallet when the waitress brings the check

• Say you are going to the restroom and cruise around for hotties. Take your time after all, your date has nothing better to do.

• Explain that you forgot your toothbrush…while brushing your teeth with their toothbrush. Love is sharing and this way you are saying it first. (see #1)

Lastly, Guys show up at her place at 12:53am without calling on a Tuesday night. You are surprising her with dinner so have YOUR favorite Chinese entree, Swedish meatballs and Hawaiian bread that feeds two. Bring Roman candles and the best bottle of sangria you can find. When she opens the door, French kiss her immediately. Don't let her talk, you are trying to be exotic. If she insists on breathing, rub noses like the Eskimos do. She's going to ask you what you're doing and tell you she's going to bed. Insist that you lead her prayers tonight and explain that the night's theme is International. When she gives you the easily identifiable look of puzzlement...lean in and whisper in her ear... "Tonight I'm taking you around the world, missionary style."

If she has a real job in the morning and was deep in sleep when you showed up, you lost her...for good.
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  1. Jackie9:05 AM

    Oh my gosh, did any of this happen to you?

  2. Sadly, I was present for the "chapter in my book of love" moment. Within minutes of meeting this guy I was seated eating the best shrimp pasta...trying to convince him I was not ready to meet his mother.

  3. friends I did not have a guy try to take me around the world like least he didn't confess to it.

  4. New Fan12:16 AM

    Hey Sincere, I had that crusing around for hotties thing happen to me. I wonder if other girls or guys go on a date and have their date pick up other people.

  5. New Fan, yeah... people are scummy. This guy was a cutie too and swore he was bombarded with females every time he went to the bathroom. I have seen him be approached. This isn't the point, he should have the respect and will power to say "hey I'm on a date." He didn't see anything wrong with it either considering I wasn't his girlfriend. Hmmm...

  6. New Fan12:27 AM

    Oh my what a scum bag! So he was going to miraculously change when he becomes your boyfriend? Did you still date him or talk to him?

  7. Digging a bit deep aren't we New Fan? Sure I did. We were "friends" besides he was really cute, funny and I didn't have to pay for anything. Besides, I had a boyfriend anyway :) That hurt his feelings later on. Karma.

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